Disappointment with Me

That’s exactly how I feel, and it feels awful!! :-/
Let me backtrack . . .
I made this dumb mistake. Only the dumbness in my mistake appalled even me! It wasn’t too big a deal but I just couldn’t get over it. ‘How could you?’ I found myself yelling at myself and that was followed by a torrent of self rebukes (#%&*#$) that are censored as they are not to be spoken aloud.

The situation did not involve others (Thank God) and was more something I was personally disappointed about coz I had fallen short of my own expectations.
Bingo! (This is it)
Ouch! It hurts. And worse till I found myself trapped in this accused-guilty-condemned circle where I have butchered myself.
*sigh*

I was chatting with this friend of mine hitting around the subject of my disappointment. She is quite unlike me and so I was kinda shocked when she echoed the very same feelings I had regarding a parallel issue! We laughed together at ourselves and it sure helped to know I was not alone coz it felt like I was.
:-)

Still, I have to say it’s rather hard to see past these feelings. But even as I type I feel like I *can* laugh at myself. It’s okay I guess to be Disappointed with Me. It really is.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . You know something, I think you are laughing too. No matter what, I just can’t disappoint you. You know me with *all* my flaws and you even take delight in me just the way I am - Perhaps I should too.

Change

There have been some changes in my otherwise monotonous life. I can’t exactly call them big changes but they are sort of big in my mind. You see, I’m not exactly change savvy. Especially if that change involves interacting with a whole lot of new people.
I wish, really wish I was more ‘okay’ with change but it’s hard. It takes time and a lot of self-coaxing to get myself out of my foolish self-pity at having to face change.

Anyway, it just got me thinking of a few other circumstances in the life of my family and friends over this week. A close relative of mine had a major surgery, a friend of mine lost a dear family member . . . I can’t even compare these situations to the one I’m in, ever.
However it just helped me to look beyond myself and appreciate the gifts in my life and overlook the tiny-winy things that I tend worry about and whine about.
'Grow up!' I hear myself say.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Change, I guess is your tool to help expand my heart, widen my mind and grow in my spirit. Help me, be a sport.

Quote

There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as if everything is.
~Albert Einstein

Just thought it was worth posting. Any comments?

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . If there are only two ways, I wonder which one I’m on, coz I tend to settle for the *grey* when there really isn’t a grey way!

A glimpse into a Dads Heart

Recently I was caught unexpectedly in a special moment that lasted briefly but had an impact on me.

I got to watch a Dad, walk his son through an admission process for education. Dad held on to a file full of papers, cautiously looking through them time and again. I could see the pain and pressure in his face, and it seemed like he himself was going through the rigid process. He stood by his son all through, patiently, supportively and seemingly willing to sacrifice all to see his son's long term happiness.

It brought back scores of such like 'Dad Moments' in my life when I have been overwhelmed by my Dad’s concern and care. But I did not know it then. (Neither did the son I was taking about) I misunderstood him, disrespected him, acted like I was embarrassed of him, shunned him…the list is long and I'd really rather not talk about it.

But something of that moment has changed something within me. I felt like for a moment I was swapped into the heart of that Dad. I could literally feel what he was feeling. And it felt so entirely different. I have never seen things from 'Dads' shoes. The only way I saw things was through 'my' shoes and so this was *so* weird in some ways.

If I knew Dad’s heart better, I bet there are a lot of things I'd do diffrently. But all said and done once the moment passes it's hard to hold on to the lesson.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Kinda a peek into your heart too, ain't it? Just a glimpse and I am awed.

You and I

I spent about an hour today rummaging through my mails and notes I have sent and received from friends over the years. I was left me with a myriad of emotions, as each one told of a time and place in my life that was quite unique and special and in some ways almost forgotten.

In it, I found this piece of poetry, called ‘You and I’, that I had written some years ago to a dear friend of mine. Just felt it captures many of those memories I was talking about . . .

Friendship is not a word to us, it’s a world;
A place we can run to, it’s always there;
Built with time and the fondest memories, it’s forever;

Time together is like a cascading waterfall, full of life;
Moments apart are not painful but shared;
Changes with time & tide are faced and accepted;

We don’t know all the steps of life but learn together;
We were always meant to be and will remain;
And together celebrate the gift of life, it’s our world;

We have no obligations to one another yet choose to be there;
We stand together and work towards our dreams;
Sharing mutually in our feelings, we learn to look deeper;

Everyday is a new adventure, bringing out the best in us;
Every hope is a new beginning of possibilities yet to come;
Every breath is a new promise of companionship and strength;

Today is all that matters the time we have now;
Yesterday has gone by, it’s a memory;
Tomorrow you might not be there that’s life;

But friendship is something that lasts, it’s forever;
So hey! Let’s play this game together, its fun;
You and I drifting together, its destiny.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Something I see so consistently through the years is that you are there, every step of the way, it’s been You and I and that gives me the courage to go on. I’m so glad and grateful.

Loving the Unlovely

I just happened to see this phrase in a book today. It caught my attention for two reasons.
One, when I think of love, I think mostly of the best in human nature and
Two, when I think of love, I think of the people I gel with really well.

It's never quite occurred to me to think of much else. Loving however in this context is about, loving the lovely... the things I admire and enjoy.

But Love, in its true sense I guess digs much deeper. Love, loves the unlovely. The things about people that are perhaps quite annoying, or the habits that are not necessarily pleasant or the little idiosyncrasies associates with each person . . . in general, the unlovely side. The side that’s not exactly attractive or charming.

Probably that’s what real love is about. Not only delighting in the *lovely* but also accepting of the *unlovely*.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . That’s perhaps the reason for your enduring love for me.

Love

“And now I will show you the most excellent way . . .

Love is patient; Love is kind;
Love does not envy and is not boastful;
Love is not proud or rude;
Love is not self-seeking;
Love is not easily angered, irritable or resentful;
Love keeps no record of wrongs;
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth;
Love always protects;
Love always trusts;
Love always hopes;
Love always preserves;
Love never fails. "

I Corinthians 13:4-8

This is one of my all time favorite passages. Just seemed apt to post it today! ;-)

It reminds me that I have miles to go in learning to love, meanwhile I’m happy to love the best I know how.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Celebrating Love ~ Celebrating You.

Just Enjoying Life

A few pics from our garden, my Mom’s pride and joy . . .
:-)

I’ve discovered I’m just *so* happy living my everyday life. I like it that way. It’s what I feel most fulfilled doing!
So this is just a buzz to enjoy life ~ plain, simple, ordinary life.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . The reason I live is to worship you and there is no way I can do that better than by just enjoying life, just the way it is.

The Best Medicine

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter—
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness—
Even if—even if—you don't love me anymore.

- Don Henley

This is exactly where I have been lately. Trying to get down to the heart of that matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts scatter, But yes, I think it's about forgiveness.

Been there?

The people who are closest to us are also possibly the ones who can/may/will hurt us the most. These hurts are like wounds of different kinds. Some deep, some shallow, some just a scrape, some painfully raw, and some leave scars while some don't. However these wounds are, I have learnt that there is just one medicine that can work miracles on them all. It's a guaranteed no scars, no marks, good as new treatment.

It's called forgiveness. And the 'given' right in the center of it is what it's mostly about. The heart of the matter so to speak. It's free of cost but takes love to give and grace to apply. And you have to do it day after day consistently.

Unlike in most cases, Forgiveness is not just 'an' alternative I can take. It's the only way into a *real* relationship, and the only way through a *real* relationship, 'coz we are all *real* people and *real* people tend to mess up, just like me.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Yeah, this is a lot easier talking, and a lot harder doing. Grace, dear God, give me grace.

My piece of the sky

A couple of years ago we moved into a house of our own in the suburbs. It was quite a drastic change to the apartments we lived in before that and we enjoyed every bit of our new experience.

One particular night is still so fresh in my memory. My grandparents had come over and we were all sitting outside and looking at the star studded sky in absolute admiration. You see, in the apartment we used to live it was quite impossible to see the vast expanse of the sky and so this was truly something special.
In the course of the conversation, Mum pointed up towards the bit of the sky just above our land and said, “That’s my piece of the sky!”
We all laughed. It felt nice to imagine we owned a bit of the sky too! We even went on with a pretend conversation of how the flights that passed by would have to get our permission to pass through and so on . . .
:-)

You know, there is some truth to that thought however. Where I live / study / work can be called my piece of the world. And so what I do with it matters. Like say, my home. It is a small piece of the world trusted into my care. And what I do and how I do things affect the people and the environment in this piece of the world.
Make that a little bigger. Say my street. That’s still my piece of the world too. And I can do a lot to make it a better or worse place. Now make that a little bigger. . .

You see where I’m heading? If I get thinking this way, I’m sure I’d do a whole lot of things a whole lot differently ‘coz it is “My piece of the world!”
Now, it’s true, that’s a pretend thought, but it sure is worth pretending.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . A piece of the world, your world, trusted to my care! I find that hard to twig. It says a lot about the way you see me.

Point to Ponder

I was late this morn and was in a hurry. I ought to have been on my way a good 30 minutes ago but I had taken it easy. I got up late. The morning air was uncommonly wet and foggy and I spent a few moments basking in it. It was quite amazing. I could hardly see my neighbor’s house! Then I did a couple of chores all the while chatting with my family and before I knew it I was late…!

So now I’m driving through this rush hour traffic thinking I should have hurried up a lil and maybe things would have been a lot easier for me. Hmmm…
Just then (interestingly) I see this bumper sticker on a car before me. It read “A man who is in a hurry is not truly civilized”

:-/ interesting . . .

It made me think of all the million times I’ve brushed passed people, or scrapped through a red signal, just because I was in a hurry. I can’t exactly call it civilized behavior, can I?
And it isn’t just about driving.
Consider this morn for example. I would have missed out on a quite amazing time, if I was in a hurry. And that’s not an isolated event. I could think of a hundred other similar situations, which happen in my everyday where I hurt someone, or miss a good opportunity to help out or just ignore people I really care for, all because I am in a hurry.

Turn the table around, and I wonder if I like to be around people who are always in a hurry and hardly have any time for me. Errr…. No, I don’t.

Perhaps the saying was concerning civilized driving but I guess even civilized living is not quite possible when you are in a hurry. But you know what’s funny about that? It’s us, the so called ‘civilized people’ who are always in a hurry.

It’s a point to ponder! I think I’m going to put it up on my wall. It’s something I ought to be reminded of time and again.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I cannot count the number of times I’ve been too much in a hurry to talk to you. But You, You always make sure You have all the time for me.

Nothing I Can Do

There are a few people in my life who are going through a tough time. They are people who are very close to my heart. People I care about and would almost do anything for.
But there is nothing I can do to help in these situations. Nothing!

I wish I could put on a cape and run to their rescue, or swish a wand and make it all okay or drop by some magical beans . . .
But No, I can’t. And perhaps that’s not the answer in the first place.

But it’s hard. I want to find an easy and quick solution. I want to take things into my own hands and perhaps even play *god* in their lives.
But again, No, I can’t. And perhaps that’s not the answer in the first place.

It’s not only true in the lives of the people I know. Everyday I listen to stories in the news, and read about people around the world going through situations, and from where I am there is nothing I can do.

All I really can do is to be there for those around me and hope and pray with and for people. But that fells like I’m doing nothing and seems rather impractical at times.
But Yes, I can. And perhaps that’s the answer in the first place.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I’m gonna keep asking but perhaps sometimes it’s best I leave the *doing* to you. After all you *do* it best!

Coincidence?

So I get this call from a friend write in the middle of my hectic day. X keeping cool says in a strange voice: “I’ve got good news and bad news”. Pause.
I’ll start with the bad news. Pause.
I’m thinking ‘okay…?’

“The bad news is - …” It was regarding X’s job. X had walked into the office this morning just like on any other day. But out of the blue something had happened. There was going to be some drastic change (not for the better) as the company X worked in had lost out on a deal or something and the point was X’s job was on a hold. The next step was looking really blurred.

Flashback - … About two weeks ago, X had had a call from another company again totally out of the blue for no apparent reason. They were very interested in X joining them. So X gives it a shot and went for the interview etc. and was generally pleased. Well, after that X did not hear from them for the next two weeks and almost forgot about it.

“Now for the good news”, pronounced my friend in a happier tone - …. X just felt strongly inside the need to give the other company a call and did so, with some reluctance. They were delighted. They had been trying to contact X all week but since X was out of station they could not get in touch.

The climax- … X walked out of a door after a meeting with members of the present company wondering “what next?” only to be met by another door, wide open and miraculous.

“Awesome”, I said. X agreed.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I’m awed by the way you plan things down to the smallest details. You have an absolutely perfect timing to all that you do and a good sense of humor too! :-)