Finding my Sparkle

I have not been writing very regularly lately and am making an effort to catch up on a few posts ahead of the new year. Year end posts are usually a celebration but here is one thats a little different.

Each of us have within us a sparkle - Something that makes our eyes glow, our face shine and our hearts rejoice. Let's stop for a second there. Thought of what makes you sparkle?

Well, I have seen that sparkle in my eyes on occasions when the kindness of a person overwhelms me, or the love I feel in my heart consumes me, or the joy of the moment captivates me. Lately that sparkle in me is missing. I wake up, go to work, work hard, enjoy work and the interaction at work, relax when at home, catch up with friends and so on.... The norm I should think but then there is definitely something missing. There was a point and time when no matter what i did I was excited, when hope was always louder than despair and Faith was stronger than Fear. When grey clouds where but a passing rain and sunshine never seemed too far away.

What has changed I ask myself and the answer seems simple - I have changed.

I have let go of childhood dreams and hit reality head on, I have grown tired of innocent hopes and accepted life’s twists, I have silenced the music in my spirit to listen to the voices of the world - I have settled for what is rather than expect what can be.

Am I right? I don’t think so.

So this New Year I have made a vow to myself to change what I can to put the spark back into my life. To sift through my baggage and find what makes me sparkle and pursue it.

If you are reading and can identify with me, Join me and lets raise our glasses to a new year of finding what makes us sparkle and pursuing it rather than settling for what is! :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking... Help me to always remember You created me and put in my spirit a sparkle for a purpose.

My Wish-list

I spent most of this year in a foreign country and enjoyed it very much – The people, places, sights, sounds, seasons where all new and exciting. Like anyone traveling abroad I had my own list of small wishes.

Well I can’t list them all but they are simple things like riding on a bus, taking a tram, playing in snow, making a snow angel, trying out crazy rides, ice skating to name a few. Oh! & this is a funny one… doing a drive through car wash! You see growing up my brother had this car set which had a car wash. You could move the car through it and there will be so many stages with water and soap and dry heat to clean the car. Well, I wanted to experience it from inside the car rather than just push the car through it.

I didn’t own a car so I could not do it myself but still just wanted to experience a car wash! Today, a day before I am to take my flight home a few friends and I went for a long drive to a mountain park and on our way back stopped at a gas station. Incidentally my friend noticed the car wash they had and decided the car desperately needed a wash! I was excited. It was as much fun as I thought it would be! :)

Beyond the fact that I enjoyed the car wash it just seemed like a heavenly reminder about how nothing is an accident and everything has a purpose designed by God. A God who took me all the way across the globe to provide me new experiences. A God He who enjoys seeing me have my wishes come true. A God who delights in my happiness. A God who watches over me and listens to my every prayer, every murmur from my heart. And no matter what life may bring my way and no matter what circumstances are like I was reminded of the fact that there is a God and He Cares.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking. . . :) You are great!

A white world

I slept late last night hoping to be up early and out in the sunshine to go shopping. I woke up at 8, pretty late by my standards and drew the curtains to be absolutely amazed. The world had turned all white while I slept. I had not seen the weather forecast and apparently there was a snow prediction. All night long, there was a steady soft snowfall and now in the light of the morning everything looked absolutely white. The cars were covered with a couple of inches of snow and I could barely see their outline, the roads were missing, just white land stretching for as far as my eyes could see, the trees and bushes were specially a lovely sight. You could see people still bustling around in their winter jackets and hats looking crimson in the cold and surprisingly the sun was out. In the light of the sun the snow shone so bright that it was quite blinding. Steadily the snow still kept falling relentlessly and I felt like I was inside one of those beautiful paperweights where you could shake it and the small fake snow fell slowly down. It was a winter wonderland.

My friend’s and I got together and had a hot meal, played with cards for awhile, and then took a walk in the white world. We stooped at Starbucks to have a hot chocolate drink and talked about this and that. It was lovely.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Am amazed by the beauty of your creation and the spirit you have put within us.

Take a Deep Breath

I have met this wonderful woman who I work with, recently. She is a one of a kind person and every time I talk to her I feel like I learn something new. It’s her attitude about everything, her outlook, her passion, her smile and her no-nonsense ways that make her special.

I have been learning a lot from her but one thing worth mentioning is – Take a deep Breath! You see, whenever she hears something that is disturbing, or not exactly what she wants to hear, she simply takes a deep breath. Sometimes she does it very deliberately and then pauses and moves on to express how she feels. Needless to say her words are always well thought and she seems to tackle all obstacles with tact.

She often would remind us to take a deep breath when we felt the pressure rise. I think that’s one lesson worth remembering!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Am glad you let her paths cross mine. Thank You.

Task Versus People

Given a responsibility or task, it simply consumes me and takes first priority in my life. I generally go a long way to try to make people comfortable and tend to focus more on the long term benefits of investing into their lives rather than just getting the job done. However, I have noticed that the people involved with me, their feelings, concerns, life are things that are important to me but get overshadowed by my sense of responsibility on the task specifically when there is a lot of pressure.

Today for example at least two times I caught myself immediately focusing on the task at hand rather than first ensuring at least as a bare minimum I enquired on the personal concerns they had shared with me the previous day. It is rather an embarrassing discovery to make.

I have worked with a mentor type leader for the last couple of years who draws a hard and fast line between work and personal rapo. At work, X is very professional and focused on the responsibility at hand but after five tends to be more personal and easy to relate to. X has helped me learn to expect more of myself, work hard and constantly exceed expectations however I remember being upset at times about the fact that X never would say a good and kind word when things were hectic and that's when I needed it.

I am making the same mistake. I get so wrapped up in what needs to be done that I forget to be mindful of the way people around me feel on the days when I am under pressure and probably that's when its more important for me to do that.

Sigh. I have patient friends however who smile regardless. Thank you!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina . . . Grant me Patience and Good Cheer under Pressure!

P.S I recently stumbled across this blog of a friend - Good Posts! http://sereno-thoughts.blogspot.com/2009/01/look-in-mirror-of-life.html

A Beautiful Sunday

Today I was reminded of the most simplest of sermons yet most powerful of all... Talk to God about everything... Everything!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina . . . Here I am, yet again. Glad to be reminded of the simplest of truths and most beautiful of blessings.

Trust

Trust is something thats very unique in nature. Hard to earn and easy to loose is one of the most cliche statements we must have heard. I think of Trust has Faith in a person based on your knowledge of who they are and what they stand for.

Trust I beleive is built from truthfullness. A few happenings have led me to question my trust. All i expected was honesty and the truth and not being told that hurt. But then I guess in the aftermath I am wondering if I was always told the truth - would I be able to handle/accept it?

Maybe thats one reason why its hard to expect trustworthiness from others let alone to be trustworthy.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina . . . Its tough to earn trust and tougher still not to have someone trustworthy. Enable me to be trustworthy.

House of Thoughts

This post may not apply to all but I am hoping a few out there could connect with me.

There are some of us who come across as thoughtful. Our thoughts are deep and we often find ourselves lost in them. We may be a little too introspective and self critical. We replay everything we say and do through the day in our head especially when things dint go well and try to find what we could have done better. We find it hard to let go of the things we failed to do right and try to have an idealistic relationship with everyone we know.

To me, such a person, this is probably one of the most important statements a friend can ever say - Don't let your thoughts live your life.

Here is how i understand that - We live in a house made of thoughts. And there are two ways we can build our house. One, like a bird we can make a nest where our thoughts are a strong foundation, a place to rest and prepare for the next day. When morning comes we take flight in search of new experiences. Two, like a frog we can make our thoughts a strong wall around us and live within the confines of it like the story of the frog in the well.

Thoughts are a part of who we are but like all things need to be balanced. When we let our thoughts take over our life we end up like a frog imprisoned in the wall of our thoughts. A better use of our thoughts would be to build us up for new experiences everyday by motivating ourselves to spread our wings like a bird, taking one day at a time and not worrying about the little things.

A bird or a frog? Perhaps I need to ask myself that question everyday.

This blog was inspired by a dear friend - Thank you!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking. . . Help me soar like an eagle!

You & We

Recently I said "They" in context to another part of my team on a different shore but meant it quite strongly as in "They did that not us!". I was gently reminded by this person I respect to say "We". Just repeating the sentence with a "We" instead of "They" turned the whole thing into such a positive statement.

Ironically the same day I received this mail with a "You" instead of "We" and it made me quite mad! I read it over again with a "We" instead and it magically transformed the mail into nothing much to be upset about.

It is a small word but certainly makes a whole lot of difference to what your saying and how you mean it. I have this friend who always had the ability to say *We*. Even if it was a task that I was supposed to do, X will always say "We" can do it! And it just made you feel like a team and no matter how tough the task the "We" factor made it light to the mind.

Tonight as I was chatting with my mom she was telling me of a cousin who made it more easier for his mom, battling sickness by always saying "We" as in We can beat this together!"

It's a small word but can make a big difference to the way we think, feel and act in a situation!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . May my I's and You's be overshadowed by We's.

Memorable Line from the Movie

Jenny Curran: Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be?
Forrest Gump: Who I'm gonna be?
Jenny Curran: Yeah.
Forrest Gump: Aren't-aren't I going to be me?

Wow!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . To be me - Thats my purpose after all.

The Key to Happiness

This must be one of the most debated topics in the world. And its probably true that one size does not fit all. In the sense that each of us will need to find out what the key to our happiness is.

I have spent many long evenings starring at the stars wondering what would make me happy. I know that nothing excites me more than knowing that I am capable of and many times do make a difference in the lives around me.

Having said that this post is more about a general rule of thumb for happiness. Most of my posts are inspired by conversations with those around me and so is this one.

X asked me, did you really enjoy it? We were talking about the year I spent in another country. My spontaneous reply was, I went there without any expectations and so every smallest kind act or word felt like a surprise gift. And everyday I would find myself receiving such gifts big and small from different places and people that it kept me happy most of the time!

Ah! Said X, Having no expectations is the key to happiness.

I haven't quite thought of it that way, but its true. In an unfamiliar country with new friends its easier to have no expectations and thereby be pleasantly surprised over every good thing but back home I guess take-it-for-granted rules over no-expectations.

So is no expectations a general key to happiness? Definitely worth a thought!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking. . . May I always have the humility to remember every kindness is a gift.

Let Go

In a meeting today someone said these words - "Learn to let Go."

It made me think of the many times when if I even make a silly mistake, I let my little head choose to slip n slide over split milk rather than forging forward with my next attempt!

Its a simple statement to make but I only wish we all had the capabilities to do that.... it would simplify our lives *so* much - We could accept people just the way they are, put up with a lot of stuff that annoys us in general, make mature decisions, move forward faster.... In fact I am sure if we as a person or a group or a city or a nation decide to let go of things that need to be let go and focus on things that need attention we could achieve incredible heights. And I mean incredible!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . grant me the serenity to let go of the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference!

Good Intensions

I find it hard to know if my good intentions translated into good actions are always good! You know what I mean? I just feel I have to affirm, appreciate or share my admiration of the people in my life with them most of the time. Sometimes I just worry I may not get another chance to let them know how much whatever they did or said meant to me and so I just have to tell them right then and there how wonderful they have been to me! And if I missed to do that, probably in another conversation I would try to thank them somehow rather than just let it pass. I find it hard to stop myself from doing that but at times I wonder if its the right thing to do after all. Hmmmm...

Was talking to a friend about that and in a minute X put that in perspective - Its your intentions that matter; Nothing else!

I guess i was getting a little caught up on how others perceive me or trying to judge if I could be misunderstood or just not sure if appreciation is something I can freely give.

Conclusion? Its how God's made me and am happy about that. People will just have to put up with it I guess! =)

Btw was just listening to this song while writing this blog and its a good one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujenRXDu2Ik&feature=related

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I'm free to be me ;)

Mom

You dreamed about what I would be like,
Carefully picked a name for me,
Called to me when I could not even see you;
You sang to me when I cried,
Held me when I was afraid,
Lovingly taught me every syllable a million times;
Made sure I had all my meals everyday,
Showed me the world through your eyes,
Watched over me day and night relentlessly;
Walked with me as I grew up,
Loved me with every changing tide,
Prayed with me every morning without fail;
Today I stand strong and tall,
With big dreams and an unquenchable faith,
Hoping I could give you back some of that love you gave me.

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Thank You for Mom & Dad.

I Just Remember How I Felt

A couple of us at work were talking about something, when one friend said to another..."She once said something negative about me, but she said it in a way that made me feel good - I don't remember what she said, i just remember how I felt and I felt good and actually made me want to think about what I did"

The words "I just remember how I felt" stays in my mind - Its true! The way people make me feel stays in my heart much longer than anything else.

Lets see... when i talk to some i feel "good" maybe its because they make me laugh, maybe its because they make me see myself in a different light or inspire me to be a better person, maybe its because they are compassionate, maybe its because they are positive.... its these people i like to hang around. Then there are some who make me feel "not so good" and maybe its because I don't know them well or because I feel judged when I am around them.

It made me think again about how I make the people who i meet and talk to everyday feel - The ones at home, work and my friends circle... Given the fact that the way people feel around us is dictated a lot by general mood, tone, choice of words and expressions. In our busy lives it's so easy to forget that how people around us feel is influenced by us.

Having said that, I'd like to make people around me feel warm...In my definition that would include being a person who listens to what they have to say, remembers to respect them, admires them for their uniqueness, being kinder than necessary at all times and telling them the truth gently even when its hard. Hmmm... But that sounds like a complex set of expectations. Doesn't it? Maybe all it really takes is *being there* to share a laugh or tear or just a good conversation. People feel good when other people make the time to "be there" for them!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Sometimes all my role in life seems to be just "being there". And its not always easy but give me the grace to do just that.

I'm proud of you

One of Dad's often repeated words to me are - "I'm so proud of you". In fact no matter how i felt hearing him say that always brought a smile to my face and assured me that I must be doing something right. Life at times throws daunting situations or periods when nothing much makes sense and times we doubt our own capabilities... Hearing Dad's constant voice reassuring me that he is simply proud of me has helped me cope with dull days, lifted my spirit so many times and just made me feel like everything is okay after all.

I'm so proud to have a dad who loves me just the way i am and thinks the world of me. Just had to share that! :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . .Did I just hear you say "I'm proud of you too"! :)

A Loving Mess

Oh well, here i go again - revisiting my favourite passage in the Bible -

Love is patient; Love is kind; Love does not envy and is not boastful; Love is not proud or rude; Love is not self-seeking;Love is not easily angered, irritable or resentful;Love keeps no record of wrongs;Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth; Love always protects; Love always trusts; Love always hopes; Love always preserves; Love never fails."

I Corinthians 13:4-8

I think if you were to summarize the entire Bible in one word it would be 'Love' and the ability to love in the way mentioned in the passage above comes from God.

I have been reflecting on my relationships with my family, my relatives, my friends and realized something... Relationships can be messy, not always easy and sometimes crazy. (That even rhymes like the words are in agreement with what i am saying! )

With family I know them just too well and tend to take them for granted, with relatives its hard to judge when I am being loving and when I am intruding, with friends its always tough to know when I am crossing the lines and besides that we all have our own quirks. I use this passage to guide me when I am confused and at times its just hard because emotions run high and worldly wisdom gives a different guideline.

Reading it again for the first time I saw the flip side to it. I realized that when I am in a loving relationship in some ways its guaranteed to be a mess... there are times I am going to run out of patience and need to remind myself to be patient, times I will be cruel and need to remember to be kind, times I will envy or be boastful, times I may be rude or self seeking, times I could be irritable and resentful, times i record every mistake committed, times i will even delight in whats not right, times i may attack rather than protect or doubt rather than trust or despair instead of hope, destroy instead of preserve and even fail to be loving at all! (Ouch!)

And despite all of that my family, my relatives & my friends make a choice to be in a loving relationship with me and continue to try to love me as in the passage above and likewise so I try. Now isn't that amazing? :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Your Love is amazing!

Life’s Like That

There is a Jewish proverb: “A father wants to teach his son about trust. He asks him to stand on a step and jump. And the father catches him. He asks him to climb a step higher and jump. The father catches him. He asks him to climb higher and jump and the father catches him. He asks him to climb higher still and the father steps back and lets him fall. The boy picks up himself crying and bleeding…”

That’s the opening line to the movie “Then She Found Me”. The movie is about April, a Jewish lady who deals with life and the surprises/shocks it throws her way…ultimately she must rely on her deep-rooted faith to deal with the betrayals she has suffered not only at the hands of those she trusted but by the God she worships as well.

The movie ends with the conclusion to the proverb: “…when the boy was caught by his father his heart was filled with love and when he fell he learnt about Life.”

The movie takes you through the ups and downs of Aprils life and through it all she discovers to trust not just when things go right but also in bitterly disappointing times. I could relate to the movie and at first the proverb made me feel like saying ‘whaaaaaat??’ after all which father wants to let a child fall but by the end of the movie I could understand better. Life is like that – we fall, we hurt, we love, we ache, we reach out, we shun, we help, we heal, we fight, we forgive, we anger, we betray, we fail, we disappoint, we hope, we try. And though we seek the times when we jump and are caught, it’s also the times when we are allowed to fall and pick ourselves up again that enable us to live our life.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I never understood why you would let me fall and hurt when I take a leap of faith. But through the times when I am held by your hand and filled with love and the times I hurt so badly in disappointment I have learned to Trust and Leap again.

The change of Seasons

Winters cold fingers seem to be slipping away and the air is so much warmer & the evening brighter.

Last Evening I sat on a park bench (Its been a awhile since I could do that) and browsed through some of my old notes enjoying the wind, sound, and smells. Slowly darkness fell and the full moon peered through the trees looking spectacular.

Today I went out for a long walk and it was just wonderful to feel the fresh air on my face, hear the sound of kids playing, see the trees rustle with joy announcing that warmer days are coming. I wished I could take a deep breath and just hold it all in!

I remember at the start of winter when darkness covered us all in the early evening I wondered how I would get through the months ahead. Having lived close to the equator all my life this was my first winter! Turned out that Winter had its own delights to offer.

My heart flys high in celebration of the winter gone by and the expereinces it brought into my life and in anticipation of Spring to come! :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . No thoughts to write, just a gleeful joy within that I want to share and I know you rejoice!

Shopping

For as long as I can remember my Mom and me have always enjoyed going out shopping together. Be it for vegetables, groceries, or clothes & accessories or just window shopping. We would take our bags gleefully say goodbye to my Dad and spend hours together shopping and the time always seemed to fly by!

We used to visit a crammed market place every week for fresh vegetables and I loved carrying the bags for her and smiling at the folks we had to come know with time. I enjoyed watching her browse through products she would meticulously analyze before buying when we go grocery shopping.

Clothes shopping was fun! We would always look for pretty things at affordable prizes, try them on and make absolutely sure we wanted to get them. Mum always encouraged me to be adventurous and try new colours and fits because I could be stale at times. Most of the time the staff in the shop would look at us so curiously because she would be more than happy to get me more than I want and I would argue and literally fight that I dint really need it. Well ultimately she would win and convince me to get it and I would be glad I did. The perfect way to end shopping trips was with a fashion show for my dad who was the privileged audience cum judge who got to approve all we bought. :)

Time has taken me thousands of miles from home and shopping has now become a routine trip I do by myself most of the time. Its different but I have learnt to enjoy that too.

This weekend however she happened to call me when I was in the Mall shopping for some gifts for family and friends. We got to walk through the stores virtually together. I was talking with her about the things I was seeing and we talked about it and decided who we could get it for…. In the evening we got on video chat and I decided to do a parade all the things I got!

It was fun and it brought back memories of our shopping trips together. It was one of those simple mum & daughter things that I’ll always cherish.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Teach me to always make time for the simple things in life that help us to build bonds and appreciate relationships.

Thou Shall Tease

There are few people I have met in my life who have a sense of good natured humour. One such person I have come to know who we shall call Mister M has this unique ability. The most redundant, humdrum things in a day become lively when Mister M is around... Needless to say people tend to flock around him!

I have watched M over the months and am amazed at how this spirit of laughter is consistently part of him. Be it a busy day, a boring day, a long day, a taxing day or just a normal day one can trust Mister M to remain in good humour.

For example a couple of weeks ago, a few of us went to this concert which turned out to be shockingly different from what we expected. I was ready to run out of the doors the first interval but not with Mister M. He made us sit there and laugh and enjoy the whole deal and I came home that night laughing till my sides hurt! What could have been a barely bearable evening turned out to be an enjoyable entertaining evening after all!

I admit humour is a natural gift which some have and some like Mister M posses in an abundant quantity and then there are others (like me) who love to laugh but are not always the ones who make others laugh. Perhaps we randomly make efforts but know that it is not necessarily "our thing".

Recently i decided to challenge that and try to consciously put an effort into "teasing" & making the people I talk to laugh. And you know something i am surprised by how I (Yes I!) could find so many silly things to say and make conversations so much more enjoyable! Between I also realized it takes a lot of effort to keep others in mind despite your work, your thoughts, your worries and your deadlines so you can make people around you laugh.

Am still an armature at this but Hey World this is just a salute to Mister M and others like Mister M out there. Also to folks like me please do lighten up and lets try not to take ourselves or others too seriously too much of the time! ;)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Help me to learn to remain in good humour through the best and worst times of life.

Girl Friends

This year began with me having to bid farewell to one of my close girl friends… We worked together for two years and parted for awhile but then again ended up being neighbours in a foreign land. That was one of life's most unexpected surprises!

I remember the first day I met her. She was new and needed some help. The minute we met I felt we clicked and that was it. Over the months we grew to be pretty good friends. She would put up with my craziness with ease and I loved her to bits.

Recent months have taught me the value of ‘girl friends’ more for the lack of them. I have a few you-can-always-count-on-me GF’s but times and tides have taken us apart and in their absence their value is felt more.

Five reasons on the top of my head to miss my GF’s? Here goes…

GF’s can be silly. We have silly conversations, silly arguments, silly fights, silly jokes, and just enjoy being silly! Know what I mean? Something like… “You said you would call me! You dint?! How could you….” I am kinda realizing that sometimes the way we show our love is by just being silly!

Two, they can tell you just what you need to hear. If your happy or sad or anxious or just don’t know what you are feeling, they can still tell you just what you need to hear.

Three, the fact that no matter what you do, you know deep down they’ll understand. You don’t have to explain yourself on a bad day. They will treat you just the same the next day even if you acted dumb the precious day.

Four, they compliment you. They can sometimes brighten the most dull day by saying something as simple as “I like your hair…”, “That colour looks so good on you!”

Five, you decide you have rights to the way they live their life. You get involved in their stories, you offer advice, you share in their pain, you scold when you think you must. You are not afraid to be part of their life and demand that they let you share in their joys and sadness! & that’s a privilege!

To the girls I love and admire - I know I take you for granted most of the time…Thank you for being in my life.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Thank you for making us just the way we are. Perhaps we spend most of our time worrying about our shortcomings when actually you have made us just that way for a reason.