ITs a Male Dominated World

I have worked for over 5 years in the IT field. My career was not planned, It just happened. I have enjoyed my work mostly and always strived to change as a person and bring the best in me and those around me. I must admit that the people aspect of my job excites me a lot more than the technical aspect.

Not many women stay on in the same company and I am one of the few who has stayed and grown. I have grown faster than expected and found myself often the lone women among many men - be it in official meetings, discussions, forums, dinners or coffee.

Its not an easy job being the lone woman and there have always been men who have supported, inspired and encouraged me to be my best at all times and then there are those who would make every effort to thwart my confidence.

I have had tough days but through it all I have learnt lessons for life I believe on being humble, gracious, accepting, courageous, discreet, assertive and many more. Lately however I have been feeling tired. Tired of playing my role in an IT environment where acceptance comes with conditions, encouragement with expectations, recognition with implications and friendships are not always free.

I started this year with a vow to change a few things about my life and ambitiously went about it. I may not have accomplished a lot but I did knock some interesting doors with potential. I stand here now wondering if it is time I shut the door on where I am at so I can see more clearly when a new door opens...

Dear Mister God this is @ina . . . You know where I am at, You see what I am meant to be - Please take me where I ought to be.

Turning a Blind Eye

When something about a person is not exactly up to my liking one of my easiest ways to let it pass was to turn a blind eye. I personally don’t find it hard to turn a blind eye to something that am not essentially happy about or that is not up to my liking.

Recently though I have been thinking this is not the best way to react especially when a person I love is concerned. For example, say a friend I really like loves eating/talking about Sushi. And I just turn a blind eye, so everything she says about Sushi just goes over my head. Soon she would realize I could not care less about her love for Sushi and she will not talk to me about it anymore. I would lose out on knowing a piece of her that is an important part of her and perhaps I may not love her for all that she IS.

Well Sushi is not a great example but based on experience I have decided it is important for me to value and love a person completely for all their likes, dislikes, habits, thoughts, friends, family, fears, hopes and dreams and only then could I truly expect a person to be transparent with me and share with me all that matters to them.

I guess when it comes to a child this is all the more difficult cause you really need to pay attention or you can miss little signs quite easily. It can be daunting to keep track of things that bother them, upset them but it’s important to make them we feel we value all those thoughts and feelings so they know we listen, we share and we love then completely.

Well, on a side note I have found myself shut out things/sides of me from people I care about simply because I know it’s not something that interests them. And am learning at times I need to edge myself to keep talking and being transparent even if it’s not something they care about since our relationship matters to me.

Dear Mister God this is @ina... I don’t think you turn a blind eye to any part of me but take me as I am. Help me to do the same.

Comfort of Counting on Someone

I know a few people in life who I could go to with a need without thinking twice. It could be something very simple or it could be something that required them to stretch a little, or go out of the way for me but I know I can go to them and everything will be okay.

Then there are a few I know I can count on but not always. People I go to when I must and not when I want.

The first kind have an incredible grace about them. They make it so easy for me to approach them and give me the feeling of comfort and confidence that I have someone I can count on. They make it seem so easy to do things for other people without a second thought or any questions.

I wonder how I make people feel? My mind tells me its not possible to be someone who everyone can count on, but I am convinced its not so much about what you 'do' but how you 'are' that gives a person the comfort to come to you and that's something that challenges me.

Dear Mister God this is @ina... Give me the grace to consciously work towards being someone who is dependable.

Sharing My Story

Lately I have been interested in asking people their story. I have found there is so much to learn and share in knowing a persons story and it is important to share your own. I believe every life story is written with the purpose of being a blessing to others and so in sharing our story we help shape each other.

Well here is mine, I am trying to be as crisp as I possible can - My journey of finding purpose in life started a long time ago when I was just a child. I always felt God within me and was convinced on the need to live a life pleasing to God. From a very young age i would work very hard at being a good person because i felt that is the way to please God. I spent the first decade or more of my life trying so hard to be perfect. I have diaries recording all my actions. LOL! I spared no energy or effort to become perfect!

It was from there that God gently picked me up and began showing me slowly that all my so called Goodness was worth nothing. That he loved me no matter what and that what I do, did not matter as much as knowing He loved me. Grace was something I fought against for awhile and it was not easy accepting God loved me just the way I am. The first milestone in my journey was knowing God loves me wholly.

I spoke to God all the time but was always slightly doubtful if I was talking to myself and was very concerned. So one day, I sat in a corner of the house and said to God "I need to Know TODAY if it is really you speaking to me or someone else...I heard Him say "Here am I". I laughed hard to myself. I told myself God cannot say Here am I!! Convinced that the voice I was talking to was not His I laughed loud and took my Bible to read and decided like normal people, God should speak to me through the Bible. Here is what I read - Isaiah 65:1 (NIV) (“I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that did not call on my name, I said, ‘Here am I, here am I.") I fell on my knees and was overjoyed to know my God was not just a loving God but a God who constantly speaks to me and lives in me.

From then began a new journey of falling in love with God... Slowly as he became part of everything I did, I discovered a friend, a shepherd, an exciting God, a funny God, a smart God, a God who was interested in the minute details of my life and revealed himself to me. I just fell day after day over and over in love with Him. We talked non-stop somedays and somedays I did forget to include him but would run back into his arms. I had to depend on him so completely to please Him as I realized I am incapable of any good without him.

Like every love story there came some trials and hard times that made me doubt if all I had come to know of God was true. For a period of time I walked away from my dearest friend and tried to only lean on Him when I need him instead of enjoying every bit of life with Him but he has been slowly drawing me back to Him.

So after spending a decade or more trying to be perfect and please god and failing miserably, I spent the last decade or more learning God can fill everything in my everyday transforming me if I only let Him!

Dear Mister God this is @ina... Looking forward to the next decade (or more) of dwelling with you.