Just Reflecting

Hmmm . . . The perfect way to round off the year for me is in reflection. This picture called 'The beauty of the Desert' helped me do just that.

As I look back I see there have been situations that scorched me, times when it felt like there were sand dunes in every direction, and the oasis I longed for was nowhere in sight. Instead there were scorpions to battle with, a night air that left me feeling like a block of ice and sand storms that hindered my vision. With nothing but camels to ride on, progress seemed bumpy n painfully slow.

But in the midst of this I have had so many unexpected expanding experiences and breathtaking insights that have changed me within. There have been timeless treasures I have cherished and glorious encounters that have enriched me. Hidden truths I have discovered, still moments I have enjoyed, Unique joys n unseen beauty that I have savored, and many unforgettable faces and memories that I will always carry in this journey, often called Life.

In some ways, I guess that’s sort of what this picture/the last year portrays to me - ‘The beauty of Life’.
:-)

Dear Mister God this is @ina talking . . . Life is beautiful. You are beautiful.

Dark Secrets

Disclaimer: Not for the perfect Human.

There are some things in our lives that we are not exactly proud of, something’s we would rather that no one knew about, something’s that were plain dumb mistakes.
Are you with me?
Now they are in the past and that’s the problem. Our problem. We just wish they were not there!

We have played those moments in our mind a hundred times and wished n' wished we could have done that one thing, that would have turned that moment around but we didn’t and now we got to face it.

Soon these dark secrets turn into a dungeon cell that haunts us on our low days, or quiet moments.
Are you still with me?
Flash News 1: You are not alone.
Flash News 2: Your dark secrets can actually be your diamond stones.

What do I mean? It's not the best things that happen to us that make us or our life beautiful, it's the worst things that really bring out the best in us. So today, if we have come a long way it's b'coz of that very stuff that we hated happening.

And that's a time tested fact.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I am glad that I am not the perfect human. :-)

Blows my Mind

I had to get some stuff for myself. I have had to do this for a few weeks now but I had just not done *it*. I had the desire in my heart to get *it* done, I had the resources in my hand to get *it* done and all that was left was for me to actually get out and get *it* done. But No! I had/have not mustered the will to do just that!

Now if this was for someone else, say my family, my friend, I would have had no problems at all. I would have got *it* done as fast as I possibly could. But this was for me and that made me lazy. I do not understand it, but when someone else is concerned I somehow find myself pressured to do what needs to be done. Perhaps it's being a people pleaser, or about keeping a confidence, or something like that. But when it is me, just me and what concerns me at stake I don't care!
Frankly, blows my mind.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . You will go so far as to put within me all that I need to be, all I am meant to be but the will to be is mine to decide.

The Cost

I was having a discussion with a doctor, X who practices medicine in a small town. X was talking about two patients A and B who had come to X over the week. Both had suffered from a heart attack.

A was over 70 years old. X used up much of the hospital resources to try to save A's life. After prolonged treatment the patient A died. B came in later. B was young and was brought in by the wife. B was not treated, just given a pain killer and died shortly.
The reason?
A had money. B had none.

The explanation was simple. Medicine comes at a cost and someone needed to be willing to pay the price or else... the rest is history.
No matter how I look at this, I just can't take it in. But it's the truth. And it happens everyday, everywhere.

"Someone needs to be willing to pay the price..." The words echo in my mind. I can't help but think how miraculous the story could have been if that someone existed.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I'm willing to pay the price.

See with your heart

Mum and I took a walk and talked about various things. On one such thing we had entirely different perspectives. “See with your heart”, she encouraged me.

It took me awhile to grasp what she meant. But trust me, something that looked *disgusting* to me actually turned *beautiful* as I tried to see with my heart!

Could there be such a stark difference between seeing with your eyes/mind and seeing with your heart?

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . To see with my heart, feels like painting a picture into life. It is eye-opening!

Catch ‘em in the act!

As I sit here reflecting on my day, I’m amazed at how many people came along my way and helped make it plain beautiful. There was a friend who took the time to catch up on old laughs, a friendly smile from a new face, that young pal who came to me for some advice and in turn left me quite happy to be of help, an not so familiar acquaintance who put aside time to ask me about my day… in the closer circle, dad’s apt lil enquiring word, mum’s patient listening, an unexpected compliment… and then those special incidents, a really good news, a breathtaking surprise, listening to an old song that I used to love, a subtle sense of achievement… LBNTL my dog’s uncanny flattery!

My point, if I have one is this . . . There’s so many people, who do so many things, to make our day. Catch ‘em in the act and don’t forget to thank ‘em for it or just pass it on!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Caught ya! :-) You move heaven and earth just to make this one moment come true for me. Gosh! Thank you.

Awkward Discovery

I made an (awkward) discovery today. Quite a number of the young people I know and am surrounded by on a daily basis, get drunk. Now, to some that was common knowledge but to me it was *shocking*. It’s just that I feel strongly about something’s and this is one of those *taboo* things.
I found that they cheered each other on, competing for the title of who was ‘man-enough’ to handle their drink. Personally, I think it takes a lot more wit, courage and being ‘man-enough’ to keep away...
I could go on and on. But I’m going to stop.
Going to...
Just must say this though: To all of you, my young friends who do get drunk, please don’t. Don’t pass out on life.

You want to know what the awkward discovery really was though: I’m unable to look past the problem (drinking, here in) and see the person and accept them for who they are.
*sigh*

To my friends, who might be offended. I’m sorry. That was never my intention.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . sigh. You hear me.

To Know

In a conversation, X made this observation: 'Until I know what I do not know, I will not be able to know'.

Confusing? You are not alone.

X went on, 'You see, unless I am aware of what I don't know, I can't know it!’
In other words, until I know what infact I don't know I will not be *able* to know!

Does that mean if I don't know something exists then it does not exist for me?
I guess so...
And if it does not exist for me or according to me then how can I know it?
I just can't, coz my mind won't allow it...

Like for example, if I did not know a language called English existed then it does not exist for me. Right?
And how can I know it since it just does not exit according to me?

The point X was trying to bring out was this: You need to be told what you don't know, so you could make an effort to know.
Worthy point!

Also, X got me thinking about how my mind-frame could either help or hinder me from knowing. I have a very fixed notion about things built on years of experience, now that I’m grown up. What I don't know is often termed as not worth knowing by me. I could be skeptic.
On the contrary in a child’s world anything and everything exists. You could talk to a child about green eyed monsters or tooth fairies, everything goes. They all *exist*. And perhaps that's the reason they find knowing easy. Everything and everybody is given the benefit of doubt.

To know, I not only need to be told what I don't know, I also need to be willing to give myself a chance of knowing.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Traveling back on memory lane, I remember the time when I first came to know that I could know you. I was so surprised, even shocked. I’m glad you met me when you did. I doubt I’d give myself a chance of knowing you now.

The Flower

I was driving to a place in a hurry. I had to be there in 15 minutes. I was running a little late. As I drove past a florist I just felt that I had to stop and buy a flower for a friend, and give it to her on my way. This friends place was quite close but being late that was hardly what I wanted to do. I tried to silence the still voice within me but sometimes the still voice seems louder than thunder. Know what I mean?
This was one of those times.

So I stopped. Got the flower that I knew was my friends’ favorite and stopped by at her place.
She was surprised and thrilled to bits.

I decided to pat myself on the back for being good.
;-)

But between the still voice and me - I knew I was just the messenger, who happened to listen.

I found myself thinking aloud God's got a plan and as long as I just flow along, I find I am constantly amazed by what I can do!
True. :-)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . no, reporting - What's on the agenda today?

From behind the glass window

I was in this high raised building in the city center. I pressed my face against the glass window on the top floor and watched. I stood in a comfortable place and the world out there looked a little cold. There was a heavy drizzle. People were hurrying by on the side walk. The peak hour was just going to begin and already vehicles were pilling up in the cross-section a short distance away. There seemed to be a chill breeze.

I could see but I could not feel what it would be like to be out there. From behind the glass window I was cozy and comfortable and in fact I did not want to venture out.

It made me wonder about how much I wrap myself in my comfort zone. I surround myself with known sounds, faces and situations. Many a time I watch safely from my hiding place when others venture out and try something new. But I dare not myself. I'd just rather cling to the familiar. It's hard and takes courage to make that decision to step out of my comfort zone.

But Life from within my comfort zone is a lot like life from behind the glass window. . .

I have this poster in my room with a picture of a dove flapping away that reads :
"It takes courage to push yourself to places you've never been before...
to test your limits, to break through barriers."
...Just thought I should put that down.
:-)

I did step out of the building finally. It was a small step.
It was worth it.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . When I am tempted to stay back, do remind me to step out instead.

The Mirror

Guess that the best thing about a mirror is that the mirror never lies. It shows me exactly as I look. My eyes, my nose, my hair - It's a reflection. I can't claim to be actually different looking, can I? No, don’t think so. Even if I did - well, no one will believe me.
Fair enough! :-)

The fact is the mirror excels at showing me as I look like.
However it is also a fact that the mirror hides who I am.

Life is a lot like that too. It shows us what things look like but not what they are. Undoubtedly they look that way and if we dare to think any different, no one would believe us. Can't blame them either.

But with life as with a person we need to see beyond what things look like and find the truth. And the truth does not always look like what we see.
And to get there we need to be guided by faith, vision, hope and love. All the four, most of all love is mystical.

Am I getting a little confusing here? I can't help it . . .

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . actually listening. I’m done with the talking bit. ; - ) That’s what I hear you saying.

Why?

I've found that w-h-y a plain, simple looking word can actually be quite daunting. What lies behind it many a time can never be explained.
Why? - Why did that happen? Why did I do this? Why is that the way it is? Why did so-and-so say that? . . . There are times I find myself trapped in it.

Sometimes I'm just plain afraid to ask the question because I feel I may not be able to handle the answer. Sometimes no matter how hard I ask the question, I never find the answer - It's daunting.

'That's just life', I've tried to say to myself.
But that gets unacceptable after awhile.
'Time will tell', I comfort myself.
But that gets shady after awhile too.

So I choose to be sorry for myself. To let my heart feel down. To let my mind be troubled. To even doubt my beliefs . . .

But something* stops me.

I look at the night sky and I see that if my tiny being was knitted together to exist in this vast universe then there must be an Intricate Designer. I feel the winds blow in a direction only they understand like someone whispered into their ear the course they ought to take and I realize there is a Master Planner. I find the birds and animals taken care of and the land coping despite our neglect and I know that could not be without a Loving Savior.

My spirit feels elated.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Maybe I'll never know why but it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay.

* I call that something Faith.

Colour-Blind

Most dogs are colour blind. I have always felt sorry for them because of that. I realize my dog cannot see a rainbow in the sky or a bright flower or any of those colourful things we seem to take for granted.
Seems rather sad, doesn’t it?

Colour makes no difference to him. Colour does not decide the way he treats people. Colour does not make some more special than the other. Colour does not contribute to his judgment either. (he has a very good one, mind you!)

I'm reminded of one of my never-grow-tired-of songs also about colours by Phil Collins. It's called 'True Colours'. Show me your true colours, just like a rainbow... he encourages. I hear those words and think 'It's not always easy to see 'em in others let alone live out my true colours...!
But know something, for my dog, it is. He may not be able to see the rainbow in the sky but he does see the rainbow talked about in the song much better than I will ever do.

I began writing wondering what the world would look like if we could not see colour. Bleak, I thought to myself. But on second thought, maybe the world will be a much more beautiful and colourful place if we are all colour-blind after all.

Dear Mister God, This is @ina talking . . . I guess you are colour-blind. Wish I could live that way too.

Scary Stuff

You know what's the scariest thing to do?
Is it jumping of a cliff? or Is it standing on a stage before a multitude of people? or Is it writing this post? (!!) ;-)

It is giving myself a chance to be known and liked / disliked for who I am. To just be me!
Know what I mean?
We tend to hide behind plastic smiles and cold handshakes and talk about opinions never experiences, thoughts never feelings, knowledge never ideas or dreams and the like. And if we ever dared to try a monstrous thought such as "What if *they* disagree / criticize / judge / dislike me?" appears and ensures we play it safe. . . most of the time.

Let’s just try and answer that monster, shall we?
"What if *they* do disagree / criticize / judge / dislike me?"
Probably, I will have one less person in the world whose expectations I am struggling to keep up with. And if not - I will have one more person in the world whose friendship will truly be worth my all.

Hmmm . . . Are you beginning to see what I am beginning to see? Perhaps the scary stuff ain’t that scary after all.
:-)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . If it ain’t all that scary to just be me then perhaps the really scary-stuff is to hide myself away.