Good Intensions

I find it hard to know if my good intentions translated into good actions are always good! You know what I mean? I just feel I have to affirm, appreciate or share my admiration of the people in my life with them most of the time. Sometimes I just worry I may not get another chance to let them know how much whatever they did or said meant to me and so I just have to tell them right then and there how wonderful they have been to me! And if I missed to do that, probably in another conversation I would try to thank them somehow rather than just let it pass. I find it hard to stop myself from doing that but at times I wonder if its the right thing to do after all. Hmmmm...

Was talking to a friend about that and in a minute X put that in perspective - Its your intentions that matter; Nothing else!

I guess i was getting a little caught up on how others perceive me or trying to judge if I could be misunderstood or just not sure if appreciation is something I can freely give.

Conclusion? Its how God's made me and am happy about that. People will just have to put up with it I guess! =)

Btw was just listening to this song while writing this blog and its a good one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujenRXDu2Ik&feature=related

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I'm free to be me ;)

Mom

You dreamed about what I would be like,
Carefully picked a name for me,
Called to me when I could not even see you;
You sang to me when I cried,
Held me when I was afraid,
Lovingly taught me every syllable a million times;
Made sure I had all my meals everyday,
Showed me the world through your eyes,
Watched over me day and night relentlessly;
Walked with me as I grew up,
Loved me with every changing tide,
Prayed with me every morning without fail;
Today I stand strong and tall,
With big dreams and an unquenchable faith,
Hoping I could give you back some of that love you gave me.

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Thank You for Mom & Dad.

I Just Remember How I Felt

A couple of us at work were talking about something, when one friend said to another..."She once said something negative about me, but she said it in a way that made me feel good - I don't remember what she said, i just remember how I felt and I felt good and actually made me want to think about what I did"

The words "I just remember how I felt" stays in my mind - Its true! The way people make me feel stays in my heart much longer than anything else.

Lets see... when i talk to some i feel "good" maybe its because they make me laugh, maybe its because they make me see myself in a different light or inspire me to be a better person, maybe its because they are compassionate, maybe its because they are positive.... its these people i like to hang around. Then there are some who make me feel "not so good" and maybe its because I don't know them well or because I feel judged when I am around them.

It made me think again about how I make the people who i meet and talk to everyday feel - The ones at home, work and my friends circle... Given the fact that the way people feel around us is dictated a lot by general mood, tone, choice of words and expressions. In our busy lives it's so easy to forget that how people around us feel is influenced by us.

Having said that, I'd like to make people around me feel warm...In my definition that would include being a person who listens to what they have to say, remembers to respect them, admires them for their uniqueness, being kinder than necessary at all times and telling them the truth gently even when its hard. Hmmm... But that sounds like a complex set of expectations. Doesn't it? Maybe all it really takes is *being there* to share a laugh or tear or just a good conversation. People feel good when other people make the time to "be there" for them!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Sometimes all my role in life seems to be just "being there". And its not always easy but give me the grace to do just that.

I'm proud of you

One of Dad's often repeated words to me are - "I'm so proud of you". In fact no matter how i felt hearing him say that always brought a smile to my face and assured me that I must be doing something right. Life at times throws daunting situations or periods when nothing much makes sense and times we doubt our own capabilities... Hearing Dad's constant voice reassuring me that he is simply proud of me has helped me cope with dull days, lifted my spirit so many times and just made me feel like everything is okay after all.

I'm so proud to have a dad who loves me just the way i am and thinks the world of me. Just had to share that! :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . .Did I just hear you say "I'm proud of you too"! :)

A Loving Mess

Oh well, here i go again - revisiting my favourite passage in the Bible -

Love is patient; Love is kind; Love does not envy and is not boastful; Love is not proud or rude; Love is not self-seeking;Love is not easily angered, irritable or resentful;Love keeps no record of wrongs;Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth; Love always protects; Love always trusts; Love always hopes; Love always preserves; Love never fails."

I Corinthians 13:4-8

I think if you were to summarize the entire Bible in one word it would be 'Love' and the ability to love in the way mentioned in the passage above comes from God.

I have been reflecting on my relationships with my family, my relatives, my friends and realized something... Relationships can be messy, not always easy and sometimes crazy. (That even rhymes like the words are in agreement with what i am saying! )

With family I know them just too well and tend to take them for granted, with relatives its hard to judge when I am being loving and when I am intruding, with friends its always tough to know when I am crossing the lines and besides that we all have our own quirks. I use this passage to guide me when I am confused and at times its just hard because emotions run high and worldly wisdom gives a different guideline.

Reading it again for the first time I saw the flip side to it. I realized that when I am in a loving relationship in some ways its guaranteed to be a mess... there are times I am going to run out of patience and need to remind myself to be patient, times I will be cruel and need to remember to be kind, times I will envy or be boastful, times I may be rude or self seeking, times I could be irritable and resentful, times i record every mistake committed, times i will even delight in whats not right, times i may attack rather than protect or doubt rather than trust or despair instead of hope, destroy instead of preserve and even fail to be loving at all! (Ouch!)

And despite all of that my family, my relatives & my friends make a choice to be in a loving relationship with me and continue to try to love me as in the passage above and likewise so I try. Now isn't that amazing? :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Your Love is amazing!

Life’s Like That

There is a Jewish proverb: “A father wants to teach his son about trust. He asks him to stand on a step and jump. And the father catches him. He asks him to climb a step higher and jump. The father catches him. He asks him to climb higher and jump and the father catches him. He asks him to climb higher still and the father steps back and lets him fall. The boy picks up himself crying and bleeding…”

That’s the opening line to the movie “Then She Found Me”. The movie is about April, a Jewish lady who deals with life and the surprises/shocks it throws her way…ultimately she must rely on her deep-rooted faith to deal with the betrayals she has suffered not only at the hands of those she trusted but by the God she worships as well.

The movie ends with the conclusion to the proverb: “…when the boy was caught by his father his heart was filled with love and when he fell he learnt about Life.”

The movie takes you through the ups and downs of Aprils life and through it all she discovers to trust not just when things go right but also in bitterly disappointing times. I could relate to the movie and at first the proverb made me feel like saying ‘whaaaaaat??’ after all which father wants to let a child fall but by the end of the movie I could understand better. Life is like that – we fall, we hurt, we love, we ache, we reach out, we shun, we help, we heal, we fight, we forgive, we anger, we betray, we fail, we disappoint, we hope, we try. And though we seek the times when we jump and are caught, it’s also the times when we are allowed to fall and pick ourselves up again that enable us to live our life.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I never understood why you would let me fall and hurt when I take a leap of faith. But through the times when I am held by your hand and filled with love and the times I hurt so badly in disappointment I have learned to Trust and Leap again.

The change of Seasons

Winters cold fingers seem to be slipping away and the air is so much warmer & the evening brighter.

Last Evening I sat on a park bench (Its been a awhile since I could do that) and browsed through some of my old notes enjoying the wind, sound, and smells. Slowly darkness fell and the full moon peered through the trees looking spectacular.

Today I went out for a long walk and it was just wonderful to feel the fresh air on my face, hear the sound of kids playing, see the trees rustle with joy announcing that warmer days are coming. I wished I could take a deep breath and just hold it all in!

I remember at the start of winter when darkness covered us all in the early evening I wondered how I would get through the months ahead. Having lived close to the equator all my life this was my first winter! Turned out that Winter had its own delights to offer.

My heart flys high in celebration of the winter gone by and the expereinces it brought into my life and in anticipation of Spring to come! :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . No thoughts to write, just a gleeful joy within that I want to share and I know you rejoice!

Shopping

For as long as I can remember my Mom and me have always enjoyed going out shopping together. Be it for vegetables, groceries, or clothes & accessories or just window shopping. We would take our bags gleefully say goodbye to my Dad and spend hours together shopping and the time always seemed to fly by!

We used to visit a crammed market place every week for fresh vegetables and I loved carrying the bags for her and smiling at the folks we had to come know with time. I enjoyed watching her browse through products she would meticulously analyze before buying when we go grocery shopping.

Clothes shopping was fun! We would always look for pretty things at affordable prizes, try them on and make absolutely sure we wanted to get them. Mum always encouraged me to be adventurous and try new colours and fits because I could be stale at times. Most of the time the staff in the shop would look at us so curiously because she would be more than happy to get me more than I want and I would argue and literally fight that I dint really need it. Well ultimately she would win and convince me to get it and I would be glad I did. The perfect way to end shopping trips was with a fashion show for my dad who was the privileged audience cum judge who got to approve all we bought. :)

Time has taken me thousands of miles from home and shopping has now become a routine trip I do by myself most of the time. Its different but I have learnt to enjoy that too.

This weekend however she happened to call me when I was in the Mall shopping for some gifts for family and friends. We got to walk through the stores virtually together. I was talking with her about the things I was seeing and we talked about it and decided who we could get it for…. In the evening we got on video chat and I decided to do a parade all the things I got!

It was fun and it brought back memories of our shopping trips together. It was one of those simple mum & daughter things that I’ll always cherish.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Teach me to always make time for the simple things in life that help us to build bonds and appreciate relationships.

Thou Shall Tease

There are few people I have met in my life who have a sense of good natured humour. One such person I have come to know who we shall call Mister M has this unique ability. The most redundant, humdrum things in a day become lively when Mister M is around... Needless to say people tend to flock around him!

I have watched M over the months and am amazed at how this spirit of laughter is consistently part of him. Be it a busy day, a boring day, a long day, a taxing day or just a normal day one can trust Mister M to remain in good humour.

For example a couple of weeks ago, a few of us went to this concert which turned out to be shockingly different from what we expected. I was ready to run out of the doors the first interval but not with Mister M. He made us sit there and laugh and enjoy the whole deal and I came home that night laughing till my sides hurt! What could have been a barely bearable evening turned out to be an enjoyable entertaining evening after all!

I admit humour is a natural gift which some have and some like Mister M posses in an abundant quantity and then there are others (like me) who love to laugh but are not always the ones who make others laugh. Perhaps we randomly make efforts but know that it is not necessarily "our thing".

Recently i decided to challenge that and try to consciously put an effort into "teasing" & making the people I talk to laugh. And you know something i am surprised by how I (Yes I!) could find so many silly things to say and make conversations so much more enjoyable! Between I also realized it takes a lot of effort to keep others in mind despite your work, your thoughts, your worries and your deadlines so you can make people around you laugh.

Am still an armature at this but Hey World this is just a salute to Mister M and others like Mister M out there. Also to folks like me please do lighten up and lets try not to take ourselves or others too seriously too much of the time! ;)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Help me to learn to remain in good humour through the best and worst times of life.

Girl Friends

This year began with me having to bid farewell to one of my close girl friends… We worked together for two years and parted for awhile but then again ended up being neighbours in a foreign land. That was one of life's most unexpected surprises!

I remember the first day I met her. She was new and needed some help. The minute we met I felt we clicked and that was it. Over the months we grew to be pretty good friends. She would put up with my craziness with ease and I loved her to bits.

Recent months have taught me the value of ‘girl friends’ more for the lack of them. I have a few you-can-always-count-on-me GF’s but times and tides have taken us apart and in their absence their value is felt more.

Five reasons on the top of my head to miss my GF’s? Here goes…

GF’s can be silly. We have silly conversations, silly arguments, silly fights, silly jokes, and just enjoy being silly! Know what I mean? Something like… “You said you would call me! You dint?! How could you….” I am kinda realizing that sometimes the way we show our love is by just being silly!

Two, they can tell you just what you need to hear. If your happy or sad or anxious or just don’t know what you are feeling, they can still tell you just what you need to hear.

Three, the fact that no matter what you do, you know deep down they’ll understand. You don’t have to explain yourself on a bad day. They will treat you just the same the next day even if you acted dumb the precious day.

Four, they compliment you. They can sometimes brighten the most dull day by saying something as simple as “I like your hair…”, “That colour looks so good on you!”

Five, you decide you have rights to the way they live their life. You get involved in their stories, you offer advice, you share in their pain, you scold when you think you must. You are not afraid to be part of their life and demand that they let you share in their joys and sadness! & that’s a privilege!

To the girls I love and admire - I know I take you for granted most of the time…Thank you for being in my life.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Thank you for making us just the way we are. Perhaps we spend most of our time worrying about our shortcomings when actually you have made us just that way for a reason.

A Roller Coaster Ride

On the last evening of the last day of this year I got to go on a virtual roller coaster ride with a friend! Let me narrate...

Hoping to be on time for an evening show of a rather cute animated movie we rushed to the theater and found we were just a little too late. Disappointed? Hmmm... Not really. It was a last minute plan and we tried so that was all that was important. Walking out we saw this ride on an amusing thing that looked like a shell and we decided to give it a try. Now I did not see what the ride was about or what the shell does except that it was called a virtual roller coaster.

So we get the tickets and stand in line and my heart starts ticking louder than it has ever before. The shell does every kind of turn you can imagine. It goes up, down, upside down..... Ugh! I always told myself I wanted to ride a real roller coaster. Honestly even the big ones did not look too scary (on TV!) but standing next in line to the virtual coaster I found myself backing out one small step at a time.

Motivated by my friend five minutes later I find myself sitting in it. We are zipped up in the seat much like a baby is in a car seat and the shell closes. The big screen in front of us starts playing some music and within minutes we are on the roller coaster for a virtual ride... Yep, it twisted and turned and while my friend laughed I screamed!

Got to admit though it was fun! :) And it literally seems like the perfect way to end this year for me.

Life this year has been much like this virtual roller coaster. There were times I found myself sign up for events without actually knowing what I was up for, Friends who stood by me and helped me be brave, Twists and turns I did not anticipate but enabled me to see different sides of life, ups and downs that have humbled my heart and highs and lows that have made my soul strong. At the end of the ride I thought to myself that was definitely worth it and looking back at 2008 I feel just the same way.

My year end post for 2007 was a wish for an extraordinary year and this has definitely been an extraordinary year in every way - I have been surrounded by people who are not my family but have shown me so much of love and care, I have seen my mental barriers break down so I can appreciate differences in people and experiences a lot more, I have found my heart face loneliness and companionship and learn to take them both with serenity, I have found my spirit grow more care free while my eyes have matured, I have found that Faith holds on to you when you have nothing to hold on to and most of all grown in my ability to Love.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Thank you for this extraordinary year and the extraordinary people who you have put into my life.

Independence

That’s a word that’s been on my mind a lot. I have tried to motivate myself to be independent because by nature I tend to be dependent.

However it just struck me suddenly that the word independence actually had dependence within it & In-Dependence is almost the opposite of independence as we define it!!

As per thesaurus the synonyms of the word independent are Self-governing, Self-determining, Self regulating or free. Makes me think can anyone ever be truly independent?

Accept it or not our choices, our thoughts, our ways and our plans impact those around us and they contribute to it. If to be independent is to reach a point where we choose to think that nothing we say or do impacts others is I think a little foolish, yet in some ways is where we seem to be heading with all this emphasis on “Self”.

Over the past months I have had to depend on many kind souls and have at times wished I dint do that since I feel so indebted to them and yet have no way to repay their kindness. All I could do is perhaps pass it on when the time is right.

In dependence I have found the joys of sharing and letting others touch my life. In dependence I have grown to appreciate even the smallest of good gestures. In dependence I have learnt that it’s okay to be disappointed and have found myself many a time pleasantly surprised. In dependence I have grown to know, love and respect people more than I have done before. And In dependence I have learnt that I can never truly be independent and I do not need to strive to be either.

Sigh! Isn’t that’s a relief?

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . :)

The Humble Onion

I wonder how an onion grows. I assume the bulb first appears and then slowly there are layers formed over it. One after the other these layers appear and the outer ones are thicker than those within. Over time the onion bulb is fully grown and has many layers to it. Whenever I cut an onion I am amused by the many layers it has. I am pleased to uncover the layers and reach the bulb.

As I grow older I am finding more layers in my life. The bulb which was once all that the world could see seems to be hidden away now. Each layer seems to be thicker and increases the distance from the bulb.

Can I call these layers a mask? Can I call them protocols? Or are they rituals? Can I think of them as tradition? Or are they just human nature?

I may not have a name for the layers but I have been thinking about them in the quietness of my soul. Each layer seems to make me a little more complicated and makes it harder for me to see the truth. But then again it’s what nature calls survival. A bulb can’t possibly survive without those protective layers around it.

Do I have a point to this narration? While the layers are required to survive, I don’t think an onion has been put to use without being peeled and cut. It looks beautiful just the way it is but to be of value you got to get to the bulb.

Dear Mister God this is @ina talking… I want my life to make a difference and the layers cannot come in the way.

In the Woods

I spent a weekend in the woods in a getaway cabin with some friends and their families. The sound of the woods at night is a one time experience.

Let me attempt to explain:
Felt like an orchestra was playing with musicians never hear of before yet professional in every way. The instruments they used have never been seen before yet were totally melodious. There is a hoot there, a chirp here, a whistle elsewhere, a rattling closer by while in the background there is a gentle wind cheering the musicians on in their unique song. The sky could not resist joining in and broke out with an occasional thunderous roar and a continuous pitter-patter.

I rocked myself on a wooden chair listening to them in stillness. Like I said the sound of the woods at night is a one time experience.

Dear Mister God this is @ina talking… It does not take professional or great instruments to make music. Does it? I guess the sweetest song is one that comes from our soul.