Self-Consumed

I was in an absolute mess today. I myself have never seen myself so frenzied!

Back drop: Ah! I think I shall just keep that under the carpet.

The point: I stayed up half the night all the while working out in my head what I could have said, what I could have done and what not to fix the record and make it all straight. I was so consumed in it that I could not even hear the still voice in me. But only if I listened I know this whole day would have been so different for me. There is so much of the *Me* in me that still needs to die.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . We have miles to go before I sleep.

On Par

Over a conversation with my mum I discovered something interesting about myself.

In my mind, all who I am in a relationship with are not on par. Some I look up to and some I felt look up to me. Which is true but the sad thing is I decided this based on age!

In my culture it is very important to respect people who are elder than oneself. From very young we are taught to address anyone elder with respect, look up to them, follow what they say and hold them in high esteem.

So in my mind people friends and family who are elder to me are the people I respect, I look up to and when interacting with them I always expect to be on the receiving end. But when I am with friends and family younger than me, I feel I am looked up to and hence try to be as giving as possible.

However this is not the way it works. I realized I should not be in any relationship hoping to be the giver or the receiver but rather be open to give and take. Like my mum pointed out to me, at times a four year old has a lot teach us!

So regardless of age, experience, background or any such differences I am learning to look at both myself and the person I am interacting with as on par. Friendships and relationships are somehow so much more rewarding when you take that perspective.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I know it’s not just age but a lot of other such things that put barriers in me while I interact with people... help me break down these barriers within me.

Just Human

A thought:

Sometimes we have so much expectations on ourselves, that we forget we are human.
And sometimes others have so much expectations on us, that they forget we are human.

But Hey! We are human.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Glad to be just human.

Moving on in Life

I’ve been moving a lot, and working with different people lately. Over a period of time I grow fond of ‘em and then before I know it, it’s again time to move. Either for them or for me... and all the laughs we shared, chats we had and games we played our memories stowed away. :(

I’m a slow kinda person and every time I’m faced with movement of any sort it takes a lot of courage to help me cope with it. But like all people I cope with it too.

Anyway such happenings over the last two weeks just brought to my mind that pic I have posted. I guess what is being conveyed though it is a plea not to be a mere spectator of one’s own life but rather to live it!

However I beg to differ. There are times, when yes we can jump in and live our life. When we are in control and going places. But there are also times when all you can do is just watch life, our own life take it's course and simply flow along. These are times of letting-go or times of being in some ways left behind.

And yes, it takes courage to cope.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Guess the best part is, you walk hand in hand always. Always.

Commitment

There are some of us who have a never-commit syndrome. No matter what happens we would never commit to anything. We come up with new and effective excuses and always slip out through the back door when commitment is required. We are a little manipulative. Then there are some of us who take a lot of time to make a small commitment. We are usually calculative and cautious and perhaps wise too. We never give our word easily and if given well then we live by it. And then there are some of us who are over committed. Anything that happens near us, around us or even in our vicinity is our responsibility. We work ourselves up over minute detail and in the process work everyone around us up as well! We pursue perfection, which is an elusive goal in the disguise of doing our best. But all said and done we stand out for excellence.

Anyone out there feel like you connect?

Well, whatever category we fall into, I am realizing that adulthood is a lot about commitment. And if we do not strike a balance then our lives can be pretty messy. There are times when we need to slip out of commitment, there are times when we need to think it over and there are times we need to give it our all. And knowing which to do when is what you learn, keep learning as an adult! ;)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Could really use your help on this!

My Quote on Giving

I've been thinking -

Giving ain't *give-ing* until it pinches your own pocket.

Know what I mean? ....

I was extremely proud of myself today for a certain action which I decided was quite selfless of me. I patted my shoulder and said to myself "You are doing swell!". I even flattered my head into think I must be quite a giving person to be able to do what I did..... well, all this until I met another friend in need in the same day. Now this favour actually meant I needed to make some *real* sacrifices. And guess what? I was not too happy... & Bam! all that selflessness that I thought I saw in me was gone!!!
....But it was good while it lasted! ;)

Anyways, I realized what the parable about the woman who gave her two coins when that was all she had as oppose to the rich man who gave a tenth of his riches suddenly came to life and I realized giving, and I mean *real* giving ain't easy but makes you smile when you do it anyway even if it hurts a lil! :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Makes me wonder how much have I ever really given.... :?

Through the Doting Eyes of My Dad

This morn I was dressed up in our traditional costume, for a special occasion I had to go to. As I stepped out to leave Dad looked at me, his eyes full of love and admiration for me, his daughter. I was kinda zapped in that moment and realized that Dad’s way of looking at me was whole lot different from my own view of myself or that of anyone else. Perhaps this is a father daughter thing or then again perhaps this is a parent child thing, but whatever it is this morning looking into my dad’s eyes I realized this: In His eyes I am the most precious, unique, special, smart, and beautiful thing on earth.

:) Yep! If only I could always see myself through his eyes! :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Looking into Dad’s eyes felt like a glimpse into your heart for me.

Rolling Stone

I heard a knock, it was still dawn
The sun was just rising on the horizon
I staggered across, feeling cross;

An old man was at the door
Knotted hair, a knitted bag
A shabby dress, sparkling grey eyes;

He stood there his finger pointed
To the unkempt yard
“I can work a miracle”; I heard him say as I nodded;

The day passed, at eve we met
I stood still quite amazed
As he turned away, glad with the days work;

I heard his footsteps fade, his footprints never did
He had to be directed form above
But in earthly disguise, I saw just another rolling stone.


I wrote this poem about seven years ago, inspired by an old man who like the poem narrates turned up at our home one morning and worked for a day’s wage. I was cross to be woken by this rustic but he was a blessing I almost missed simply because the blessing came packaged in an ‘unattractive earthly disguise’. It made me wonder if I have missed many such blessings simply because I did not find the packaging attractive.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Keeping my eyes peeled open…I would rather not miss anymore! : )

Loving People

A friend who I thought I knew and love and care for, *did* something that was very contradicting to who I felt I knew her to be and it in a way makes it hard for me to just love her.

It has left me thinking about this one question: Do I love people for what they do? Or Do I love people for who they are?

Pause… Putting on my thinking cap…

When you actually think about it, it’s a little hard to differentiate between the two. In the sense that, who I am is reflected by what I do and what I do in turn reflects on who I am. But despite the parallels I believe there is a lot of difference between the two.

I for one would like to be loved for who I am rather than what I do or don’t do for that matter. True love, I believe is not based on actions but looks beyond that into the heart behind the actions. True love understands what to others is not understandable. True love, keeps loving despite the odds coz the person is more important than the deeds.

That reminds me of my best friend whom I have known since my childhood. There are days, weeks when we sometimes can’t keep in touch or be there for each other and sometimes we fail to *do* all that friends ought to *do* for each other but none of it matters to us. We catch up when we can and time together is always beautiful. Put simply we love each other for who we are.

Coming back to where we started… Do I love people for what they do? Or Do I love people for who they are? Guess it’s a choice I make everyday.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . If you were to love me based on what I do, I’m lost!

Flirting with Danger

A young man zipped passed me on a bike. He was weaving through the traffic way over the speed limit on a crowded road absolutely confident that he was in perfect control!

I think the biggest mistake that we as young people can do is think that we are always in control of ourselves. We put ourselves in harms way confident of our false sense of control over situations. Know what I mean?

I think I can’t get addicted. I think I can’t mess my life or my relationships. I think I can’t kill someone or get killed on the road if I ain’t careful. I tend to think I am somehow *above* these things and they will never happen to me and that thought itself put’s me in harms way.

But you know what the shocking truth is: Yes I can! I can do all that I mentioned and a whole lot of other worse things if I am not careful. Let’s face it. If I cannot hold my tongue when I ought to or my temper when I need to, I am not in control of all I do!

Life Pointer -> Enjoy life to the fullest, but be wise…! : )

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . May your hand of protection and guidance rest on this generation so we may be vibrant and wise.

A time to Dig

There are times when you need to dig into your deep. To get out the grime and dirt that has accumulated over the years and silence the flattering tongue that deceives your mind into believing that all is well within you. To gut out the silliness that roams within your walls and the subconscious thoughts that you did not know existed but raise their voice.

It’s a time that’s painful but necessary. It breaks you now but will be the reason to build you. It crushes you now but it will be the cause for your upliftment. It hurts you but brings healing from within. It steals you of your pride but leaves you with peace.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I could never get through these times without you by my side.

To my Friends

* Thanks for being there! : ) *

Dear Mister God this is @ina talking . . . You top that list!

Novelty to Normality

Cacti flowers are rare and amazing. They have rich colors and are very unique. It is usually quite a novelty. Back when we first begun having a few cacti plants, I remember mum waiting, and watching for flowers on our plants. The smallest bud would cause so much of excitement!

Now, it’s different though. We have a number of cacti, and they flower in turns. Sometimes we even have 3 different flowers at a time. They are still as bright, and beautiful and amazing as they were before but the novelty has worn of. Now it’s more a ‘normality’! We expect them to flower and don’t celebrate it as much as we used to...

Mum and I were just talking about that and realized how much of the novelty of life we hardly celebrate these days and instead just take it for granted. I tried spending the rest of the day remembering what was once my novelties... like the chocolate bar I had for breakfast, the strawberry milk shake that I gulped, the work I dreamed of having and this column I’m writing!
You know what, it changed my day. These things need to be celebrated. Every day if need be. :)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . talking with you is another one of those things!

Wishing I had Super Powers!

I have been having this playful conversation with a friend about having super powers! I claim I can turn my friend X, into a frog, and X in turn plays along claiming a mystical green fairy, who is also a figment of our imagination will save X!!
:)

Yeah, it may be silly but at times I think it sure will help if it was true! No, not to turn my friend into a frog… (well maybe) but more for those moments when I feel helpless ... and just wish I had super powers to make it all okay!!

Kid’ish huh? Perhaps. But I’m sure all of us at some point of time wish there were things we could wish into being or wish out of being!

Still, when all my wishing seems to be of vain, I realize that God does have all those super powers and more. But if he should remain silent, or allow that something that isn’t all that good then there’s got to be something to it. Like recently I was very worried about Y, being in a lot of peer pressure. I prayed about it and wished it will just go away, till I had to be reminded by the still voice within me that Y, needed to go through that peer pressure to be able to face life as Y grew older and that Y would not be ready to take on the world unless those elements unpleasant as they seem, are part of Y’s life.

So here’s my conclusion to all the problems that I as a human cannot resolve without super powers: Just trust the one who has those powers to make it okay!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Perhaps I ought to be grateful I don’t have those super powers... I might end up with frogs for friends! ;) :)