The God who embraces my mess -

2021! It is a significant year to step into - The world seems to have changed forever. The ups and downs, the mess and mayhem, the clutter of life, the clouds of delusion marked with moments of clarity are how I would describe most of 2020. I ended the year feeling inadequate, week, worn, and found myself penning on my journal - We begin 2021 coming before God empty, broken, and with nothing to give. It's a great place to start! Thank you, Jesus.

You see, with little children I have learned how quickly things can fall apart. One of my little ones and I have three under 7,  can quite easily become a little bundle of BIG emotions. It's messy and sometimes I do not want to embrace the little emotional bundle. BUT GOD embraces me in my mess and has been challenging me to not view big emotions as the thing that wrecked my day, spoiled my plans, caused me embarrassment, or cannot be tolerated and instead to embrace, accept, acknowledge and adapt. 

I realize that I am always working towards "Having it all together" which to me means no messes, no tears, no failures, no tantrums, no criticism, no complaints, no arguments... but God does not ask us to strive towards a mess-free life instead he calls us to constantly keep loving in mess. The very things I shun are actually good for my soul. I have had to therefore redefine my desire for my days from having it all together to leaning (inwardly on my savior), listening (to every voice in my life), and learning. I try less and strive less. I laugh more and trust more.

So, if there is one thing that has become very evident to me in 2020 it is that God does not shun my mess, instead, he welcomes it with open arms. His everlasting arms are always ready to embrace my broken dreams, desires, hopes, and broken me. His neverending love is always willing to envelop my failures, regrets, doubts that drain the life out of me. His father's heart is able to redeem even the messiest mess and draws towards me in my darkness with the light of life.  

He is the God who embraces my mess and cheers me on !

 

DAD

I love to spend my time driving to work thinking about my heavenly father but today was a special day and all I could think about is MY DAD.

MY DAD - My heart swells with pride when I think of you. Thank you for exemplifying the truth at all costs, being humble in every situation, standing with mom at all times, always encouraging me, never missing a chance to tell me I am beautiful, taking the time to say the right word to me when we are close or even when we are thousands of miles apart, teaching me to enjoy life, embrace new experiences and cherish time together as precious. I am learning and will always be learning from your example.

Dad, at times it may be easy to forget how important you are but on this special day I want you to know, my heart is filled with joy and thankfulness for you and its hard to understand but am doubly proud and happy that my son gets to have you as his Granddad and mom as his Grandma. Hands down, the grandest people he will ever know in life and nothing can be compared to the blessing of seeing my child enjoy you. I love you.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...Thank you for choosing my parents for me and loving me so much that you gave them to me.

A Beautiful Day

It was a nice Sunny day and I made a spontaneous decision to take baby and go out for a drive and some shopping. We packed up and hit the road...driving into town, the view was breathtaking. Canola fields where stretching endlessly in a bright yellow on one side, taking my breath away. On the other side the lush green wheat looked stunning below the blue skies. My heart whelmed  up with worship. I felt humbled by the God who watches over these fields and causes the plants to grow. As we went down into the valley, I struggled to keep my eyes on the road - the trees on the hills, the river flowing through... Ah! creation sure makes the created worship the creator.

I said a silent prayer in my heart asking the Lord to bless my shopping so I buy only whats needed and at good prices....and I had the best shopping ever! Picked up some clothes and things for baby all in the most amazing prices. Thank You Jesus!

I came home happy and content, to be surprised by my husband. We went out to the lake and enjoyed a quite evening...he fished, baby played, I basked in the joys of family and the beauty of nature. My heart humbled by the creator I could only worship without words.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...I am Loved by You.

The Little word "No"

My little prince knows the word "No" quite well. It surprised me that he knew and understood the word.... 

Today he was crawling around in our bedroom while I was putting away clothes. I gave him a box of odd things to play with and usually he would be quite content to sit in a place with his box. But having learned to crawl now he wanted to explore. So he headed into the bathroom. 

"No, Not there." I said to him and he turned around to look at me. He attempted again and hearing me he turned around again this time his eyes where gleaming with a little mischief and he had the cutest two teeth smile for me. I had to repeat the words again and he decided to make a turn and come back...

A few seconds and he was attempting again...he gave me a giggle and an innocent smile but seeing I was  steadfast he returned once more. 

A few seconds later and he was attempting again... This time he was going to go for it... I repeated my "No", a little more firmly but without looking back he kept going... 

I scooped him up and we ended up playing in the bed and giggling for awhile. 

I can definitely here my Mum saying "Reminds me of someone, I know!"...

It's amazing how much a baby understands and it amazes me more that this little bundle of mine has a sense of humor (he really does!),  independence, choice, likes, dislikes and more.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...As we teach him the meaning of the little word "No", help it to point him to his need for You, our Savior, our Friend and Lord.

In the Light of Eternity

Recently our Pastor challenged us to evaluate our prayers in the light of Eternity. He took the example of Paul's letters where he begins with prayers that are profound and focused on things of eternal value rather than the temporal. 

It has been in my heart for awhile now and challenged the way I think and act not just pray. When I evaluate things in terms of the light of eternity, it changes my priorities and in turn that changes my attitude and actions.

It reminds me of the song "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, and the things of the world will fade..." It surprises me how humble, mundane moments in life suddenly have meaning, prayers big and small have purpose and desires/plans are outward looking rather than inward.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...May my heart be governed by the things that are important in the light of eternity.

Finding Comfort

I had to take my baby boy today for his vaccines. Its his post 6 months ones...since his first vaccine the nurses are always surprised how quickly he calms down. All I have to do is pick him up, give him a good cuddle and then try and point something interesting to take his mind off the pain.

 

His cry in pain is very different from his other cries... its a very deep wail, the sound comes only in pauses but he breathes deeply and I could feel the hurt. Today he had one injection and in a matter of 10 seconds maybe 20 at the most I could calm him down. In fact he was giving me little laughs.

 

It amazes me how he takes comfort in me holding him and saying its okay. How quickly he responds to me saying "Look its a giraffe! and tickling his ears with the giraffes soft tail". :)

 

This evening when we were out on a walk, I bumped the stroller on the sidewalk as I made a turn and his little chin got hurt. I could even see a bit of blood (Its the first time I saw blood) I panicked and picked him up and even the wail he was just starting stopped mid way. "I am in mommy's arms, I am okay..." was that what he was thinking?

 

Made me think of how easy it is to find comfort in the hands of the almighty if we choose to. He holds us in his arms, and when we take our broken hearts, lives, hopes or dreams to him He gives us an eternal perspective on things that fills us with peace beyond understanding and joy that is complete. Yet I choose to wail and rant and hold on to my grief instead of looking to him for comfort.

 

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...Help me to look to you for comfort and stay calm in your presence through life's turmoils. May our little one always know you are near to comfort and direct him in all life's ups and downs.

A little image of God and Us

Its interesting now as we observe our little one and get to know his personality. With time we see more of the person he is or will become.

 

For one, he is easy going, just like dad! Nothing is a big deal. He fusses only when he is uncomfortable and nothing really fazes him. Even when he was tiny, he just seemed easy. If he cries I know for sure he needs something... nowadays, its not just am hungry, or wet its sometimes I need your attention etc.

 

He laughs a lot and is such a happy baby. He always was a happy baby but I see it more now. Always smiles when you look at him and try to make him laugh. If am really funny he laughs and squeals non stop! :)

 

Another interesting things about him is, he is so so friendly! He loves any other person who is smaller or taller than him. He is not as friendly with strange adults but with children he just loves them. His face lights up, he starts making excited little words, wants me to carry him or let him walk to them and he would like to make friends with kids in Walmart, Costco ... anywhere! :) We were visiting with friends with little ones and it was the first time, mom and dad need not be close.

 

He is our little foodie - snacks often like mum, has a sweet tooth like grandma and wants tasty food like dad.

 

He loves books, specially his Bible - like Grandad sure looks like he could enjoy reading very much. Anywhere he sees his Bible he would dive for it. Its his favourite book because Grandma read to him from it everyday.

 

Well, his cars and the spinning of the wheels are so interesting these days. He can spend a lot of time with a car just moving its wheels round and round with his little fingers. Gets all absorbed into what he is doing and looks quite serious.... a lot like his uncle.

 

Crashing cars made him laugh like nothing else... the other day just an empty box tossed around was so funny...zooom, brooom, kaboom...are all favourite sounds... he is such a little boy already!

 

God made him so unique and beautiful in His image for His glory. :)

 

Dear Mister God, this is @ina... Thank You for a beautiful baby made in your image. May we help mould him in your ways that all his days he will bring You Glory.

Motherhood

Motherhood can get quickly complicated sometimes... lately I have been worrying too much. The books say I need to read, talk, teach, include learning and fun activities, help him develop all these various skills - fine motor, gross motor, sensory, logic, reasoning etc. etc. Added to that are the worries if he is getting enough nutritious food, long enough rest etc etc.

 

I have had to come to terms with the fact that I probably will never feel like I have done enough...I will always wish I could do more, be around more, have more time etc etc but that's okay. It keeps me striving to be all that God intended me to be for him.

 

However, I get so caught up at doing things with him that i sometimes wonder if I have made time to just enjoy "him, my little baby"...The time is going by so fast - sometimes we have an organized day, sometimes its chaos... he loves to be with mommy all day long and at times mom finds that hard. He has the biggest beautiful smile for mum, and sparkling eyes that make any heart melt....lifts his arms up to say "carry me please, I need a hug". He laughs and squeals with excitement, its just so so beautiful a sound yet like I said some days I wonder if I took the time to enjoy it all and have fun with him.

 

I have this figurine that a friend gave me...  its a mother spinning with her little one in the air. Its the perfect gift to remind me to just have fun with my little one, I thought to myself and placed it in my kitchen window. I guess its something I need to remind myself everyday... Yes, its good to do things with him but sometimes its also nice to just cuddle, kiss, tickle and play. I love the way his dad and him just cuddle and play...he calls him his beautiful son every single day and says how much he loves him.

 

Motherhood involves a lot of doing but its important to remember to just be together.

 

I guess that's what my heavenly father asks of me to. To sit awhile with him before I run off to the call of duty.

 

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...I need the grace to just be and not constantly want to do. Help me Lord.

New Baby and New Home

Hmm... where do I start? This has been an ongoing battle within my heart and I find it so hard to confess... I just feel guilty.

 

We moved into our new home soon after the birth of out little one. Like any lady, this is our first home and I was so excited. All year round as we waited for the home to be constructed I saved pictures and ideas for designing the interior of the house to make it home.

 

Well, a new little one changes a lot of things...It means waking up tired every morning, napping whenever you get a chance, doing one chore a day and being so proud of oneself, a good meal and a clean house is the biggest achievement... what about all the decorating plans and projects?

 

Well, that's just it... I wish I had time to customize and hang paintings, print favourite photographs and have them hung up, organize shelves more neatly, spring clean etc etc and sometimes I am frustrated that my house does not feel as much a personalized home as I would like...

 

But then I remember its my first year with my son....looking back I don't think these projects will mean as much to me but at the moment I feel at times like a failure if I cannot do both.

My hubby darling tries to help but I guess most days we both are overwhelmed...

 

Seasoned moms perhaps have suggestions for me...and yes I try my own little ways to keep up with both but many a day I just have to settle and leave things undone with a smile knowing tomorrow is always there.

 

Perhaps all this is just teaching me to Lean and Trust the Lord more, for he gives rest to the weary soul.

 

Dear Mister God, this is @ina... Lord, give rest to my anxious soul. May my failures make me lean into you more.

 

I Just Want To Be Where You Are

One of my favourite songs used to be I Just Want To Be Where You Are by Don Moen. I would sing this song with great devotion to the Lord.

 

Recently the song has come to have a whole new depth and meaning to it for me....You see, my little one really demonstrates what those words mean. He really, Just Wants To Be Where I Am. He is happy playing by himself and doing things as long as he can see me and knows I am near. If I were to walk away, he watches for a bit and then before I know it there will be big crocodile tears rolling down his cheeks and cries as though I was gone for ages!

 

Wow....if only I could walk with the Lord that way!

 

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...May this be the cry of my heart - I Just Want To Be Where You Are,

 

 

Special Flowers

Ah! Dad and Baby went out for a walk and came back with a bunch of beautiful, bright, yellow Dandelions for Mom! :D BIG Smiles.

Thank You Dad and Baby!

I had to pen this out because it was such a special feeling to have Flowers from Dad and BABY for the very first time! When I babysit I love to take kids for a walk and ask them to pick flowers to give Mum...never thought one day I would be in the receiving end! 

Dear Mister God, this is @ina... Thank you for the simple, beautiful memories we create each day and the joy you give us in everyday life. 

Road Trip!

We were planning a nine hour road trip for a few days. I really wanted to go but was very double minded - would baby travel well? would he be too tired? would the change be too much? would he handle meeting so many new people? will he stay healthy?

 

I battled the pros and cons in my head, talked it over with grandma and frankly got overly stressed. Finally we decided to go and the night before we left, I put him to sleep and was trying to finish packing his things. As I finally switched off the lights in his play room, the little toy car shouted "Road Trip! Brooom... Broom" LOL

 

It felt like God was smiling down at me and saying, "Relax, its going to be okay".

 

Well, it was! He had a wonderful time. He took the travel well and just loved being out in the camp site... looked at trees closely, loved the grass... it was his first time out since the weather was warmer.

and yes, everyone loved him -  his sprakly eyes, big toothless smile (for the last time), sitting up by himself he enjoyed playing and watching other kids.  His first two little teeth were making their way out and yet he did not let it dampen his spirit too much.

 

I realized I was needlessly worried and should relax a little more. Grandma is wise and keeps reminding me to try new things and give him space. Easier said than done! :)

 

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...Thank you that you watch over your little ones and calm us even in our needless fears.

Sound of a Baby's Laughter

Today my baby laughed! Yes, he actually looked into my eyes, opened his toothless little mouth and laughed... its the  most musical sound i have heard in all the world. I was of course just being silly and he was responding with a laugh. :)

Ahhh! words can hardly express how full and delighted I felt. That first laugh. The first time he looked into my eyes and smiled with a laugh! It felt monumental! A cause for celebration.

I had no idea my babys laughter could make me so excited. Thank you Lord, for a baby who laughs back at me I said and danced in joy.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina...May his laughter fill our hearts and house and may he bring Joy and laughter to your heart, all the days of His life, O Lord.

Your Mercy and Faithfulness

We began this New Year with some good friends. It was an evening of food, fun and fellowship. Our friend shared a nice thought with us and I definitely want to blog it!

Psalms 92:2 says, to proclaim your mercy in the morning and your faithfulness at night. We talked about how it would be a good practice to everyday put forth to the Lord in the morning one area in our life where we need his mercy, his grace, his love to carry us through and at night remember one area where we saw his faithfulness and be thankful for it.

It's a powerful thought come to think of it - I wake up and always find the need for His mercy in my life and I find the minute I take things to him his grace abounds. Likewise its so easy to forget his faithfulness by the end of the day and yet when I make a conscious effort to meditate on it, my heart overflows with thankfulness.

As the New Year dawns, I am challenging myself to proclaim His mercy in the morning and His faithfulness at night.

To all my blog friends, Wishing you a Blessed New Year!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina... Thank you for your mercy and your faithfulness in the year past and the year to come.