The Best Medicine

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter—
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness—
Even if—even if—you don't love me anymore.

- Don Henley

This is exactly where I have been lately. Trying to get down to the heart of that matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts scatter, But yes, I think it's about forgiveness.

Been there?

The people who are closest to us are also possibly the ones who can/may/will hurt us the most. These hurts are like wounds of different kinds. Some deep, some shallow, some just a scrape, some painfully raw, and some leave scars while some don't. However these wounds are, I have learnt that there is just one medicine that can work miracles on them all. It's a guaranteed no scars, no marks, good as new treatment.

It's called forgiveness. And the 'given' right in the center of it is what it's mostly about. The heart of the matter so to speak. It's free of cost but takes love to give and grace to apply. And you have to do it day after day consistently.

Unlike in most cases, Forgiveness is not just 'an' alternative I can take. It's the only way into a *real* relationship, and the only way through a *real* relationship, 'coz we are all *real* people and *real* people tend to mess up, just like me.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Yeah, this is a lot easier talking, and a lot harder doing. Grace, dear God, give me grace.

My piece of the sky

A couple of years ago we moved into a house of our own in the suburbs. It was quite a drastic change to the apartments we lived in before that and we enjoyed every bit of our new experience.

One particular night is still so fresh in my memory. My grandparents had come over and we were all sitting outside and looking at the star studded sky in absolute admiration. You see, in the apartment we used to live it was quite impossible to see the vast expanse of the sky and so this was truly something special.
In the course of the conversation, Mum pointed up towards the bit of the sky just above our land and said, “That’s my piece of the sky!”
We all laughed. It felt nice to imagine we owned a bit of the sky too! We even went on with a pretend conversation of how the flights that passed by would have to get our permission to pass through and so on . . .
:-)

You know, there is some truth to that thought however. Where I live / study / work can be called my piece of the world. And so what I do with it matters. Like say, my home. It is a small piece of the world trusted into my care. And what I do and how I do things affect the people and the environment in this piece of the world.
Make that a little bigger. Say my street. That’s still my piece of the world too. And I can do a lot to make it a better or worse place. Now make that a little bigger. . .

You see where I’m heading? If I get thinking this way, I’m sure I’d do a whole lot of things a whole lot differently ‘coz it is “My piece of the world!”
Now, it’s true, that’s a pretend thought, but it sure is worth pretending.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . A piece of the world, your world, trusted to my care! I find that hard to twig. It says a lot about the way you see me.

Point to Ponder

I was late this morn and was in a hurry. I ought to have been on my way a good 30 minutes ago but I had taken it easy. I got up late. The morning air was uncommonly wet and foggy and I spent a few moments basking in it. It was quite amazing. I could hardly see my neighbor’s house! Then I did a couple of chores all the while chatting with my family and before I knew it I was late…!

So now I’m driving through this rush hour traffic thinking I should have hurried up a lil and maybe things would have been a lot easier for me. Hmmm…
Just then (interestingly) I see this bumper sticker on a car before me. It read “A man who is in a hurry is not truly civilized”

:-/ interesting . . .

It made me think of all the million times I’ve brushed passed people, or scrapped through a red signal, just because I was in a hurry. I can’t exactly call it civilized behavior, can I?
And it isn’t just about driving.
Consider this morn for example. I would have missed out on a quite amazing time, if I was in a hurry. And that’s not an isolated event. I could think of a hundred other similar situations, which happen in my everyday where I hurt someone, or miss a good opportunity to help out or just ignore people I really care for, all because I am in a hurry.

Turn the table around, and I wonder if I like to be around people who are always in a hurry and hardly have any time for me. Errr…. No, I don’t.

Perhaps the saying was concerning civilized driving but I guess even civilized living is not quite possible when you are in a hurry. But you know what’s funny about that? It’s us, the so called ‘civilized people’ who are always in a hurry.

It’s a point to ponder! I think I’m going to put it up on my wall. It’s something I ought to be reminded of time and again.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I cannot count the number of times I’ve been too much in a hurry to talk to you. But You, You always make sure You have all the time for me.

Nothing I Can Do

There are a few people in my life who are going through a tough time. They are people who are very close to my heart. People I care about and would almost do anything for.
But there is nothing I can do to help in these situations. Nothing!

I wish I could put on a cape and run to their rescue, or swish a wand and make it all okay or drop by some magical beans . . .
But No, I can’t. And perhaps that’s not the answer in the first place.

But it’s hard. I want to find an easy and quick solution. I want to take things into my own hands and perhaps even play *god* in their lives.
But again, No, I can’t. And perhaps that’s not the answer in the first place.

It’s not only true in the lives of the people I know. Everyday I listen to stories in the news, and read about people around the world going through situations, and from where I am there is nothing I can do.

All I really can do is to be there for those around me and hope and pray with and for people. But that fells like I’m doing nothing and seems rather impractical at times.
But Yes, I can. And perhaps that’s the answer in the first place.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I’m gonna keep asking but perhaps sometimes it’s best I leave the *doing* to you. After all you *do* it best!

Coincidence?

So I get this call from a friend write in the middle of my hectic day. X keeping cool says in a strange voice: “I’ve got good news and bad news”. Pause.
I’ll start with the bad news. Pause.
I’m thinking ‘okay…?’

“The bad news is - …” It was regarding X’s job. X had walked into the office this morning just like on any other day. But out of the blue something had happened. There was going to be some drastic change (not for the better) as the company X worked in had lost out on a deal or something and the point was X’s job was on a hold. The next step was looking really blurred.

Flashback - … About two weeks ago, X had had a call from another company again totally out of the blue for no apparent reason. They were very interested in X joining them. So X gives it a shot and went for the interview etc. and was generally pleased. Well, after that X did not hear from them for the next two weeks and almost forgot about it.

“Now for the good news”, pronounced my friend in a happier tone - …. X just felt strongly inside the need to give the other company a call and did so, with some reluctance. They were delighted. They had been trying to contact X all week but since X was out of station they could not get in touch.

The climax- … X walked out of a door after a meeting with members of the present company wondering “what next?” only to be met by another door, wide open and miraculous.

“Awesome”, I said. X agreed.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I’m awed by the way you plan things down to the smallest details. You have an absolutely perfect timing to all that you do and a good sense of humor too! :-)

Simple conversation

I was flipping through the pages of an old book full of little one-liners that I have written over time. One read “Problems get bigger when thought about and smaller when talked about”
(Needless to say, talked about with the one concerned or a good friend)

Hmmm….

I got myself into a mess today and I needed to face up to it. But instead I just wanted to shy away from talking about it with the person concerned. In this case a good friend after all. It didn’t help I can assure you.

On the other hand, this friend I have, had a problem with something and took the time to talk about it with me. Both of us ended up delighted. We had found a solution and in sharing our experiences we were both enriched.

To add, I’ve found that most often my *problems* are the end result of a lack of simple conversation with God.

. . . If only I practiced, I repeat practiced simple conversation more often!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Simple conversation ~ I can’t help but think that’s the sweetest secret of all.

Dreams

Dreams I am convinced are a beautiful outcome of our deepest desires. I have always had many dreams. When I was a child they were things like one day I would make sure no one would go hungry, or that I would build a home for homeless people or that I would have a big animal shelter for all the uncared for animals and care of them … and many more! My dreams were wide and varied. ;-)

Growing up, these dreams I had have scaled down in my mind to be more *realistic*. Some of them are more personal, like what I would like to do with my life, and some of them are about changing my little world. (I keep reminding myself that Dreams are not supposed to be realistic!)

These dreams have made me smile. They have given me hope. They have whisked me away from the present which at times looked gloomy and took me into a future that was always bright and cheerful. They have kept me going.
It’s hard to explain. But the things I dreamed of are alive to me and I live in them. No one else does and no one else knows. No one but one, my creator.

But there have been times and are times when these very same dreams that made me smile cause me to cry. And the very dreams that gave me hope cause me to feel hopeless. And the very dreams that whisked me away to something better make me feel worse. And I find myself stagnating . . .

Dreams I have heard are like bearing a child. You conceive them and they grow in you. They become one with you and part of you. You take every possible care to make sure that the child in you is safe. They are knitted together within you and you watch and wait for the big day when you would finally get to *see* the child.
The process however is not easy nor is it short. And perhaps like I said there are times when the very reason for your joy is also the reason for your pain. But you gotta keep going b’coz it’s the only way you’d get to see the child. And the process of bearing the child is as crucial as after or perhaps even more crucial!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Though it’s hard at times, and it’s difficult to understand, if I was given a second chance with my life I realize I’d rather not have it anyway else.

They are always there

I love to watch the night sky. Something about it that just amazes me and fills me with awe.

Tonight’s sky was darker than usual because there was no moon but the stars shinned even brighter. The constellations close to earth looked dazzling and I also could see other tiny stars which are probably quite far away that I have never seen before. Together they formed a pattern of their own. It was indescribable.

I wondered where these stars hid on other days and why I never saw them. And was amused by the immediate realization that *they* where always there. I just did not see them!

At day the sun in all its brightness and beauty showed me a lot of things but hid the beauty of the stars. And at night the moon provided me with light but again in its light the beauty of the stars was hidden.
No, the stars did not hide themselves I just did not see them because I was blinded by the light of the sun by day and moon by night.

Come to think of it, there have been and are many times I am so blinded by life, situations, circumstances, and other *stuff* that I just do not see the stars. But *they* are always there. Shining, steadily, day after day.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Sometimes I see you shine through and sometimes I don't, and there’s other *stuff* that get in my way. But you are there. Always.

Mind Blocks

There are battles I fight everyday. These are not battles that are covered by the media. These are not battles that are talked about. These are not even battles that are visible to the naked eye. But they are very real and at times can be quite destructive. These are battles that are fought day in and day out. These are the battles in my mind. To put it simply it's perhaps a battle between good and evil fought at an individual level, in my mind.

Lately it's been more obvious to me. Why?
Well there are these things that I could do. Perhaps even need to do. And I know they are good things to do. But guess what? I don't quite feel like doing 'em. There are barriers within me that just won't allow me. Barriers I've decided to call Mind Blocks. My narrow plans and petty agendas, a list of my can's and cant's, my weaknesses and fears etc

These mind blocks come in different forms. Just like offensive and defensive weapons of war these are offensive and defensive mechanism within me. They are basically seemingly attractive and harmless thoughts most of the time. Thoughts that really do sound good. Thought that speak up loud and clear based on experience, facts and culture. Thoughts that ultimately keep me from doing what I ought to do with some lame excuses.

These thoughts masquerade as intelligent, powerful and quite authoritative voices. But you know what the Truth is? They really are just quite silly.
And I have to admit that to win the battle!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Let not my silliness get in the way of accomplishing my lifes purposes in you.

Smile on the inside

There are some things that make us smile ~ Smile, on the inside.

A friend of mine mentioned these words to me and that got me thinking.
Been there?

It's an all together special feeling that I bet can't quite be captured by words. You just know it. Inside.

Like when you wake up to the song of birds. Listen to the sound of water flowing. Feel the breeze in your hair. Watch the sun gently slip beyond the horizon in a red sea. Look at the glow around the moon. Hear the rumble of thunder at a distance. Get a glimpse of a swiftly soaring eagle. Catch a shooting star or a rainbow. See a flock of migrating birds. Watch the foaming waves crash on the shore.
Or say when you find a treasure you thought you had lost. Have a good conversation with an old friend. Be hugged by a child. Get a book you where looking out for. Find an old photograph. Come home to your favorite meal. Have a beautiful dream. Read something that was just so apt for your situation. Find the signals turn green as you reach a busy cross section. A twinkle of the eye from a friend. And the quite feeling of knowing God.

That’s to name a few of these special, simple, secret and silent moments that leave you with a smile, on the inside!
:-)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . You make me smile, on the inside.

A Decision

I made a decision yesterday to do something. It was a small decision but not an easy one. It took me lil courage to take. I had to pep myself up and finally take the plunge. It was one of those 'I got to do what I got to do' moments. Now that it was done I thought that the trauma (of the process of making a decision) would end there. But No! I spent today thinking time and again "Was it right? Could it have been done better? Should I have done it differently?" so on and so forth . . .
Ugh!! And all this for one small decision that was a lil out of the ordinary!

I'm not someone who typically struggles with every decision I make. (Thank God) But this one I struggled hard with. It involved pushing myself into something I had not done before and that perhaps explains it.

The three questions which hit me in the same split second and contributed heavily to my decision not to mention my trauma where :
Q1. What will the impact of my decision be on me or what I am doing?
Q2. What will people think or say about me?
Q3. What if I was wrong?

Q1. This was perhaps a wise thought. I flowed along with it literally weighing out the pros and cons in my mind till I was more sure that it would have a positive impact than a negative one.

Q2. Ah! I can please, some of the people, some of the time; all of the people, some of the time; some of the people all of the time but definitely not all of the people, all of the time. So EOD it does not matter unless and otherwise I'm being offensive and even that could be given a margin. (Yeah, easier said than done)

Q3. Let’s face it. There is a chance that I am going to be wrong. But living in fear of doing so is not living at all. So I guess this is a chance I must be willing to take.

So done with the rigmarole of answering my questions, I have finally arrived at my decision. And guess what? I'm not certain of it. And then it hit me. I realize it's relativity rather than certainty that counts. If I wait till I'm *absolutely* certain, I may not make my decision at all!

Perhaps many things about life are like that. You may not be certain but deep down there is a quite assurance of what you got to do. It may just last a moment but you got to hang on to that and let go of the rest. It's all that really counts.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Help me be okay with the quite in my heart.

Back then - a'musing!

Back then, when people needed paper, ink and stamps people wrote more to friends than I do today. Back then, when it took hours of travel to visit family more people did it, more often than I even care to call today. . .
Back then, when things were much harder to do they actually got done. Now they are easier, given all my gadgets and stuff, but I still don't get them done. (!!)

But Why? I hear my mind reel out a number of reasons . . . could be my fast track life, the rat race I find myself caught up in, the umpteen things I need to juggle between, etceteras. The list is endless. But that's just the thing. As long as I find I have excuses not to do what's (more) *important* to do, I shan't do it. Instead I will spend all my time doing those other (less) *important* things and even manage to convince myself that I am doing well in life.

Yeah right! Cut it out, I hear my sane self say to me.

Bottom Line: What's important to me has got to change, and it's going to cost me something. But it will be worth it.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Back then, I bet you dint have to listen to stuff like this. ;-)

Expensive Gifts

TGIF. Just had to say that!

This week was tough in some ways. Lots of stuff to cope with and it was not easy. . .
The reason I coped was mostly because of the gifts I'd been given - Patience, Forgiveness, Grace, Encouragement and Love to name a few.

They are gifts because they are given out of free will and expensive because they almost always cost you more than you are willing to give. Can't put a price tag on that!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Let me never forget, you gave me the most expensive gift of all – A life anew.

It’s Okay

I cannot ever overestimate the value of the two little words "*its* okay" when they are said with meaning.

That's because I can be quite careless sometimes (?). Today was one such day. I had to do something that was relatively simple but I kinda made a silly mistake. I was embarrassed. And the consequences of my mistake scared me a little. But someone who could have got angry or upset or annoyed with me choose to instead just say "*its* okay".
I am so grateful. It made my day. :-)

Can’t tell you how many times those small little words with quite a lot of meaning have come to my rescue.

Some time back I was driving in the peak hour traffic. It was late and dark. As I made my way home a speeding motorist with a loud screeching horn brushed passed me, narrowly missing a collision. I was a little shaken. Within me I heard this loud, clear and calm voice repeatedly saying to me "*Its* okay, *Its* okay, *Its* okay . . . " till I calmed down.
It was okay.

God‘s most common everyday words to me are “*its* okay".
I overreact. He says “*its* okay". I worry. He says “*its* okay". I mess up. He says “*its* okay". I fear. He says “*its* okay". . . And then there are times He says “*It’s gonna be okay.” Like in granddad’s funeral.

The best part is when He says it that seals it. He says “*its* okay - *It* really is okay.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Perhaps that’s what You want 90% of us to know 90% of the time.