Something’s eating me!

Ever felt like that?

I just know it. And I can feel it. It’s inside me. It’s eating up a big chunk of my joy, my peace, my mind. I’m trying hard to put my finger on it but I can’t. It’s just illusive.

Well let me try to break it up.

I’ve been doing a lot of new things these last two weeks. Most of which I have never done before. New things unnerve me for starters and leave me a little wobbly on the inside. That could be part of it.

And then most of it makes me vulnerable to people. I have been doing it all with the best of intentions and to the best I know how but it has left me fearful of being judged and fearful of the possibility that I might be doing the wrong thing.

Then there is also this etc bit. The little this and that….I have not had the time to think over and it still lies within me waiting for my attention.

And though I hear that soft firm voice guide me I still find it hard at times. I know only one place where all of this can be put to rest. It’s talking to mister god.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . so here I am. Help me see with your eyes.

My Dreams

I’ve reached a point in life when reality has hit me head on and all my childish fancies look silly in my own eyes. I’ve stopped dreaming for awhile.

But one of the most common New Year wish I’ve got in the begining of this year is “May your dreams come true!”

Hmmm....It’s got me thinking about my dreams.

I’ve decided I’m going to begin this year dreaming. Dreaming Big. So here goes…

Author a Bestseller

Release an album that makes it to the Grammy’s

Live in a land with a different culture for a little while

Star gaze till I’ve found all the constellations visible to the naked eye

Support at least 12 children in their educational aspirations

Skate on ice

Be part of a youth magazine that touches and transform young lives around my country

Dance to the waltz

Adopt a child

Support a few missionary families

Make a dream come true for a person I know

Master the guitar

Own a grand Piano, and be a piano tutor

Support a social venture in my hometown

Take my mum and dad on a holiday to a foreign land

Learn sign language

Here my songs sung on a local FM channel

Work with abused kids

Own a column in a local newspaper

Surprise one person every week

Watch the aurora in the artic

Work in a public service department

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . nay… Dreaming! I know you are listening. : )

Pieces of the Puzzle

My brother bought me a 1000 piece puzzle for Christmas. It’s about 22X28 inches and a replica of a painting by Jeff Wilkie. The picture covers a sandy shore and a beautiful blue sea. There are mountains on one side and on the horizon the sun is setting or perhaps rising in an orange yellow haze. A sea gull flies over the ocean and a magnificent white horse stands on the shore with his dark brown mane flying in the air.

I’ve spread out the pieces on my table and it’s been slowly, very slowly coming together. This eve we put together the final pieces of the sky, and the rocks almost completing the horizon of the picture. When all of us go at it together we complete quite a bit and share a lot of laughs in the process.

I’ve been looking at the picture coming together with much joy and pride and also feel a sort of restlessness in wanting to put it all together as fast as I can so I can see for reality what it would look like.

As I sit here typing my year end post and I look at this year or the years that have gone by, it’s exactly like looking at my puzzle.

My creator must have used a lot of thought while painting my life’s picture with so many different colours and shapes and elements. And as I walk each day a piece of that picture comes together. Working on the bright skies of my puzzle was fun but the wild sea is tough and sometimes hopeless. And so also the circumstances in my life may differ. But as long as I keep working or walking patiently, one piece at a time or one day at a time, something beautiful is coming together. And those around me are integral in helping put this picture together.

Thank you for a beautiful Year.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I don’t see the entire picture but I am happy where I am and I know You will not rest till You put all the pieces together! :)

Pocket Money!

It’s been quite awhile since I have received pocket money from my dad coz unfortunately I am too old for it now. : (

Still Dad surprised me by giving me some for no particular reason. This was special. I kept it in my purse for a while not knowing what exactly to do with it.

I’ve wanted this music book for awhile now. It did not cost much but somehow to buy it I felt I would be *splurging* on myself.

Now with this gift I decided I could buy it and finally got it for myself much to my delight. : )

No matter how much I earn I cannot compare it to the joy that little sum of money brought me. Weird isn’t it?

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . guess that’s why something *free* is always more precious than that which is *earned* … like your love.

Soul Massage

Friday Evening: Sadly I can’t say TGIF. I’ve got to get to work tomorrow. *sigh*. I really want a break.

Saturday Morning: I drag myself out of the house. What I think is going to take me the whole day I get done in two hours. I meet up with some friends for an hour of prayer. A dear friend of mine and I then decide to go out and do a little Christmas shopping and grab a bite to eat. I enjoy every moment together.

Saturday Afternoon: Have a fun time in a small get together with some friends and also got a neat gift. A little porcelain girl, wearing a pink dress and a straw hat, holding a yellow water pail having a smiling face engraved on it with a brown dog at her feet his nose turned up and looking into her face. : )

Saturday Night: I’m walking/running on the beach with my dog. The breeze on my face is so strong that it feels like I’m flying. I dig my toes into the loose sand on the shore. My dog and I play wildly for awhile till its time to go.

Saturday Night: I’m writing this post my heart refreshed, my mind relaxed and my soul massaged. A lot can change in a day!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . You sure have your own simple way of surprising and restoring me! Thank you. : )

Wishes do come true!

I have made better acquaintances with a colleague of mine over this year. Last year round this time we had just exchanged a few formal mails. However round the end of the year on a rather informal note we had exchanged a rather unusual New Year wish that was such like:

Me:
Cheers! To many more smiles in the New Year!

Friend:
Wish u the same...Have a bright year ahead...!

Little did we know then that we would actually get to *know* each other any better. But due to some changes we ended up working together. I have discovered X to be a fun loving person, who I have indeed shared a lot of smiles with over this year! : )

Btw…Since December is the month of celebration, I’ve decided to actually think and wish from my heart coz you know what – wishes do come true!

Friend, I don't know if you would get to read this but I hope you would. Thank you. You sure have helped fill this year with smiles.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . You take even my little wishes quite seriously, don't ya?

Random Thoughts

A few thoughts based on recent circumstances . . .

Forgiveness is a lot easier when I know I’ve been there and I’ve done it too. And I almost always have.

Knowing what is it that I must not say helps in holding a good conversation.

The ultimate Truth: Only God is good. [Luke 18:18, 19]

Real Love overcomes self-pity.

When you trust you stop worrying.

Life in a shack can sometimes be cozier than a palace.

I can understand now, things I never understood before,
Some things only time can tell and experience can explain.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Glad to be growing! : )

I will get through this

This week was hard. All I wanted to do was to quit doing what I do. I had very good reasons to do so too. Trust me. The biggest reason of all was - fear.

Anyway I was chatting with mom about it.

"Did you think you will ever get this far?" she said.

"Nope!" I said reluctantly knowing where she would be heading next.

"Well, that’s proof enough to know that you sure will get through this too!" she continued in her absolutely assuring voice.

I could *see* what she meant but I *felt* so differently and I could not quite connect what I could see mentally with the way I felt. But with time what she said slowly sank deep enough to reach my feeling and made me a whole lot better.

Moms seem to have a quick word to magically mend a problem that looms like a mountain at times. : ) Thank you Mom.

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . All that’s pulling me though is knowing that we have got this far and that’s proof enough to know we will get through this too!

The girl with a burnt face

I happened to see a young girl waiting to cross the road. Her face was so badly scarred from what seemed to be a fire accident. Her skin was almost completely damaged and her features marred beyond recognition.

I wondered what her story might be... I wondered what it would be like to be in her shoes...

Made me rethink my priorities. Made me rethink.

Dear @ina this is Mister God talking . . . You know her name and see much more than a girl with a burnt face. This is a silent plea for her and all around the world who can identify with her. But a stronger plea for me and those who can identify with me.

Time Capsule

Heard of this before? Well it's this pretty neat idea I came across from this a friend of mine! You can write yourself a mail and have it delivered to you after a time gap! It reads something like this:

"Greetings from your past. In the fall of 2005, you agreed to receive this message, which has been preserved for a year in ..."

"Here is the text of your message:" [Your text follows]

I have put extracts from what my friend had to say 'coz well it inspired me! Here goes...

"Hi X,

....This is "me", I mean "yourself" one year before! ...

I sincerely hope by this time, you must have.... [Hopes and dreams follow]

[I liked this bit the best]
This is to let ya know: don't loose that smile in your face and try your best to instill it on all the others you meet...."

Not all of my friend’s hopes and dreams had come true but the conclusion bit is a wonderful message… perhaps all that counts in the end of the day.

Inspired? You could try this out if you'd like....Send a mail to yourself after a given time frame or to anyone else for that matter! :)

Dear @ina this is Mister God talking . . . Greetings from the time of your creation. My thoughts and plans for you are like the grains of sand on the seashore… though the tides may sweep over them, they still remain. You mean so much to me. ;-)

Desperate

I have been using the word *desperate* quite often these days...most of the time playfully or as a figure of speech not really meaning it.

I was singing this song today however that had the word *desperate* in it and the writer of the song I was sure meant the word to it's full extent. It sent me on a word hunt...

Desperate: Oxford dictionary says "Willing to do anything regardless of danger" for that something that you are desperate for (I add).

Hmmm... Nothing in life comes with a tag that says "absolutely nil danger guaranteed". Almost just about anything we do is about taking a step in good faith despite the odds. But this word talks about something deeper - A driving force within one that is daring to risk it all for that one prized longing.

Know what I mean?

I was left with this one question in my mind:
What is that one thing in life that I am *desperate* for? In other words, what would I be *willing to do anything for regardless of the danger*?

The minute I answered that question, this one followed:
What have I done so far about it?

Err … nothing much.

The truth is: I *know* that one thing that I am desperate for and I *know* it is going to cost me in terms of risk and danger, and I stop right there - *Desperation* however goes beyond that.

I guess I should too. : )

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . It takes courage to push yourself to place you have never been before, to test your limits, to break through barriers, But hey! It’s the only way you will discover the wings I have given you…I hear you whisper.

Hey! Look at the moon...

I received this rather unusual message from a friend last eve. It read:

"Hey look at the moon... It is awesome...Hope it is not raining there... :-)"

I ran out to see it and sure enough the moon looked awesome. It was a full moon, so bright and brilliant that it lit up the entire night sky. There was a beautiful radiant circle around it with the diameter of what looked like a thousand kilometers, probably more. It had rose to almost the center of the sky and shone much brighter than any of the stars, set like a solitaire in the sky for all the world to see.

I live on the east coast and this message was from a friend in a different state on the west coast a long distance away and perhaps that made it more special - The fact that we could be so far away and yet admire the same sky, the same moon, and the same stars - a galactic display just for us!

It was a beautiful surprise! :) And I was so glad to be reminded that life’s simplest pleasures are actually quite easy to come by!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . I have never wondered what messages you would send me if you choose to own a mobile phone. . . But am kinda sure this would be one! : )

Celebration

It’s been exactly a year as of today since I began blogging. * Celebration *!

I remember the day it all started. A friend introduced me to the blog world and the idea sort of clicked with me. It wasn’t planned but one Sunday afternoon I logged on, found blogger, clicked on the ‘create a blog’ link and kept going one step at a time & voila! I had a space of my own but was not quite sure of what would come out of it.

Last night I spent a lot of time looking back at the posts I’ve written, the people who inspired me, the situations I’ve been through, the comments I’ve received and the laughs n joys, pain n hurt I’ve shared. Some brought back good memories, some made me laugh at myself, some made me think and rethink, some made me smile and some made my eyes color but most just made me realize I live in a beautiful world surrounded by beautiful people.

I was watching a show on BBC about a traveler’s journey through the Sahara, yesterday. This rather difficult journey was made not only easy but also enjoyable by the people he meets and mingles with. His last line on the show is “Traveling is about continually - learning new things and saying goodbye”

That’s exactly true about life too. I’ve learnt so much through this year & yes, not all the people who were with me when this journey began are with me now. I’ve had to say some sad goodbyes to some very special people who will always be in a warm cozy place called memories where footprints never fade.

To any of you out there who still read this blog, you’ve been part of this journey with me, thank you!
(And hey! Just came across this pretty neat link: www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com . Do check it out and remember to turn on your speakers when you do!)

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . Cheers to the beginning of a new year of blogging! : )

Full – Inside

I was speaking to a friend X over the phone after quite some time. X voice was warm and cheerful. There was an excitement and joy in X’s spirit that was conveyed by the exuberance of X voice. It was nothing obvious but subtle and listening to X I could tell X was *full-inside*!

Know what I mean? That’s my way of conveying an *all is happy* kinda state of being.

Does that mean that there was *nothing not happy* in X’s life? I don’t think so. Instead it’s when we come to terms with the not so happy bit and choose to rather be content (Btw: do you know content = happy! That’s what the dictionary says)

In fact X did go on to narrate some other things that X was not happy about but did not let *it*, steal the joy from X’s voice.

Wonder what’s stealing my Joy today? What’s keeping me from being content? Am I full on the inside?

. . . I can be!

Dear Mister God, this is @ina talking . . . you designed me full and I don’t wanna let the world steal it from me.